*Disclaimer: This article is from an April Fool’s issue*
Blood-spattered trees. Broken teeth strewn about the meadows. The truth behind the administration’s bonfire crackdown is finally revealed.
After destroying the student-made forts in the woods and clearing out the bonfire pits, the administration cited student safety, environmental preservation and liability as the reasons behind their controversial new policy.
The truth is far more shocking.
Every Friday night, members of Guilford’s faculty and staff sneak out to the meadows and beat each other up. A weekly faculty fight club has been going on right under our noses.
Many idly wondered about Visiting Assistant Professor of Political Science Robert Duncan’s black eye and Vice President for Student Affairs and Dean of Students Aaron Fetrow’s new limp. Now, the explanation is clear.
When confronted, Fetrow responded, “What limp?” and promptly hobbled away.
He won’t be able to deny it much longer, however.
Hall Director Justin Shreve ’11 was the first to uncover the scandal. After overcoming his fear of retribution, Shreve shared his experience with The Guilfordian.
“Kent Chabotar pulled me into his office one day trying to recruit me for the club,” said Shreve. “I turned him down and thankfully he let me go. I’ve just been too scared to say anything until now. He threatened to send Jim Hood and Diya Abdo after me if I snitched. Lit teachers are no joke. That is not something you take lightly.”
After hearing Shreve’s testimony, seniors Shanon Rule and Bennett Christian came forward to share their experiences as well.
“I was walking through the woods one night and I saw Kent Chabotar and Ron Stowe wailing on each other,” said Christian. “I mean don’t get me wrong, I miss the rawness the bonfires brought out in people. But that was too raw.”
“I didn’t know what I was seeing at first, but when I got closer I was like, ‘dude,’” said Rule.
Junior Grace Chafin also divulged her now-confirmed suspicions.
“I went out to clean up trash around the bonfire pits and I saw a freaking tooth lying on the ground,” said Chafin. “So be on the lookout for someone missing their lateral incisor, because they’re definitely in on this.”
When presented with these testimonies, President and Professor of Political Science Kent Chabotar stopped rapping his bruised knuckles on his desk and let out a defeated sigh.
“We all have a way to deal with stress,” Chabotar admitted. “Organized violence and Guilford College — it might seem strange to have those words in the same sentence, but whatever.”
Thanks to the student testimonies, rumors about the illicit club spread through campus like wildfire.
Though Director of the Friends Center and Campus Ministry Coordinator Max Carter has yet to be definitively linked to the club, students have their suspicions.
“I noticed chunks of Max’s beard started disappearing a couple months ago,” said junior Allison Semmler. “I didn’t think anything of it before, but now I’m not sure.”
After being forced out of the woods all year, students will surely be outraged to hear of the administration’s new use of the area.
“It kind of takes the irony out of the fact that our mascot is a fighting Quaker,” said Chafin. “Now that we know the truth, I think it’s time we take back the woods. Bring back bonfires! I just hope we won’t have to fight the administration for it.”
