Hey, hey, kiddies! Guess what? Exciting news for those of you who were a little intimidated by the lovely Miss Norton’s “Dark Side.” You’ve got a new columnist in your midst. . . unfortunately, however, it’s me. God knows why.
But here I am, ready and willing to rant and rave, to alienate and offend any and everyone I can, and (occasionally, one hopes) to make you laugh. Let me know how I do. (But if you don’t like it, keep your ignorant, most-likely-drunken mouth shut!)
I was recently flabbergasted, taken aback, and absolutely astounded. There, sitting before me, was an 18-year-old girl who had never peed outside. How could she have missed such an integral part of life? How could she have avoided this experience?
Last Saturday night was, apparently, an impressive one, an evening of firsts for many people. A friend of mine had phone sex for the first time; another smoked her very first cigarette. But by far the most momentous of these occasions was the great First Outdoor Piss.
Sunday morning, I heard the story. This rosy-cheeked, blue-eyed innocent had been a virgin to the joys of relieving oneself outside — a virgin, that is, until the night before. Too drunk to hold it any longer, she squatted beside a tree near English hall, and, the rest, as they say, is history. . .
I’m so proud of her, so happy she finally attained this level of self-confidence. For, you see, I happen to believe that going to the bathroom outside is one of the most underrated of the notorious Simple Pleasures of Life. The benefits are myriad and, for the most part, undeniable.
It’s convenient: it can be done anywhere, any time nature calls. It’s environmentally friendly: think of it as watering or fertilizing the plants around you. And it’s entirely pro-American: what other activity encourages our beloved freedom of expression as fully as this one?
I can’t even begin to count the number of occasions I’ve relieved myself outside, not even if I limit myself to incidents here at good ol’ Guilco. It’s an activity I’ve always taken for granted, I suppose. But apparently it’s a much rarer phenomenon than I’d imagined.
Why? Are people afraid of being seen? Are they worried about poison ivy or spiders or what people will think? Are they simply uninformed, ignorant to this vital facet of life?
Never fear, folks. . . there’s a book out there for you: HOW TO SHIT IN THE WOODS, by Kathleen Meyer. Read it. Memorize it. Take its wisdom to heart. It can help you, like so many others suffering from this same anxiety, overcome your fear of outdoor urination and learn to pee outside.The Best of Guilco’s Outdoor Urination Offerings:
* Behind Dana Auditorium (a great “safe spot” thanks to the bushes)
* On the football field
* Beside the Milner patio
* In the Outdoor Club dinghy (the challenge is that it is lying just outside the kitchen window of the Pines)
* Beside the art buildings (the sculptures provide good contemplation material while you. . . you know)
* Off the 2nd floor Founders balcony (this, as well as the next two places, are only recommended for males, due to the risks they pose to a female’s safety)
* Out of windows (though not strictly outside, this option is mainly for the purposes of bragging and convenience)
* Off the roof of the Observatory
* In the woods (though not terribly exciting, this is the most common)
* Behind the bushes in front of Founders (watch out above, though. . .)
* Into the lake
* Beside the path through the Apartments
* In the courtyard of Bryan Hall