I’ve been staring at people’s butts all week.No, no . . . Don’t leap to conclusions . . . I haven’t been staring at them sexually. Not a drop of drool has slipped from my mouth. Far from it. I’ve been looking at them in a scientific manner, trying to decipher the psychology of the derriere.

For your butt reflects upon your personality far more than you could ever know. (Obviously, I suppose. It’s not as if you can really study your own butt. At least, not without a pretty intricate mirror setup and some hardcore neck straining . . .) Seriously, though, your butt is an expression of your personality that’s out there for the whole world to see. It is the physical and visual manifestation of what you thought was your most intimate, innermost self.

Don’t believe me, huh? Well I can’t say I blame you. It sounds rather farfetched, I know. But I’m not just talking out of my butt, I swear. Just read on, and I’m sure you’ll be convinced. (I should note, however, that these interpretations are derived from my own experience and observations and do not necessarily reflect the beliefs of all experts in the field.)

A small, round, perky butt, for example, often denotes an outgoing, bubbly personality. The owner of this type of butt usually laughs a lot, is friendly and somewhat bouncy, and, in some cases, may be almost annoyingly happy.

A large, voluptuous derriere typically indicates an indulgent personality. One often finds a very generous person sharing a body with this type of butt, a person who appreciates quality in all things and one who is particularly sensitive to others. This archetypal butt often indicates a melodramatic personality, a person who is comfortable with him/herself, but one who often lets her emotions overflow, sometimes obscuring those of others. Though this butt is often associated with lazy people, that can be an amazingly misleading misconception; many times it reflects a great ambition on the owner’s part.

Another notorious type of rear end is the small, taut, well-kept butt. Across the boards, this indicates a proud, hardworking person, one who often tends to be overly reserved with their emotions. Though this butt often denotes ambition as well, it can also manifest the owner’s half-hidden feelings of discontent or lack of control.

Perhaps the most difficult type to read is the infamous flat butt. Often referred to as buttless, these people may suffer from feelings of inferiority or resentment. More commonly however, it signifies a stoic, reserved personality, mirroring its owner’s tight self-control. This person is typically “down to earth,” possessing few indulgent flights of the imagination, though on occasion, they may loosen their firm grasp on reality for a short time.

Have you discovered your own category from this cursory overview of several archetypal *sses? Where does your butt fall?

A suggestion, however … Because of the sheer physical difficulty of carefully viewing your own butt, you may want to ask a friend to study it for you. Once you and your butt buddy have become adequately familiar with each others’ rear ends, you should attempt to decipher the messages they send. Delve deep. What shape is it? How much do you try to control it? What size is it, and are you happy with that or not?

Another crucial point with which one must come to terms is this control issue. Do you try to force your butt to conform to society’s standards of what is and isn’t fashionable? How much do you feel you must cover your butt to suit other’s expectations? Would you feel offended if someone commented on your buttocks?

(Um, I hope that last answer is a ‘no,’ or I’m gonna get hate mail . . .)

In short, kiddos, it pays to study your butt. You need to get up close and personal with something you’re so attached to. Body language, my *ss; you’ll never know what you’re telling observant people in butt language if you don’t take the time to really get acquainted with your bodily partner. And who knows what kind of far-reaching effects this *ss liberation could have?

As Amanda Wheeler, a fellow butt devotee and widely renowned rear end expert, stated, “I think that everyone should develop a better relationship with their butt. It would solve a lot of deep societal problems.”

Join us in our quest for better butt-human relationships. Who would’ve thought your butt could change the world? Oh, but it can! (And no, I absolutely refuse to claim that pun . . .) So, please, kids, learn about your rear ends; learn about yourselves. You’ll be better off because of it, I swear. Nope—don’t argue. I’ll accept no ifs, ands, or . . . .