I came to a conclusion the other day after watching Spiderman for the second time. All I need to do to get all the women at Guilford to fall in love with me is turn into a superhero. I ask you, what better way to woo a woman than saving her life, sweeping in and defeating the villain at the last second? I’d be impressed.
Peter Parker is a nerd, and so is Clark Kent, and so am I. A 19-year-old kid who can’t talk to girls to save his life, who has thick-framed glasses and puffy hair, who would rather sit in his room and write about how he’d rather be a superhero or a cartoon character than go out and try to get to know the girls that he’s so attracted to. How pathetic is that? How pathetic am I?
I’ve had previous plans to win the hearts of all the women here. One plan was learning to play guitar so that I could serenade women. But then, my near lack of musical talent somewhat restricted me from doing that effectively. Another plan was to become a sort of informal hairdresser for the girls, since I seem to be fairly good at that. But common stereotypes about male hairdressers would probably end up counteracting my plans in that area. So now I’m off on a new plan. The best plan yet.
The thing is, I’d have to maintain my secret identity as the nerdy writing Asa, otherwise everyone would just see me flying around and say something like, “Oh look, Asa’s trying even harder than ever to attract attention to himself.” So a mask or disguise of some kind would be necessary. Superman’s tactic of taking off his glasses wouldn’t work so well for me, since I didn’t even wear my glasses for the first 2 months of school.
I’d have to be careful about the costume though, since I’m not incredibly muscular. I don’t think I’d look very good in spandex.
But once I get the identity and the super powers, the next logical step is a super villain. Sure, I could fight the usual evils like oppression, racism, and sexual assault. All of these are very good causes to be fought, but don’t necessarily need the touch of a superhero. I could fight those without becoming a superhero.
No, I’d need a specific super villain to battle here on the Guilford campus, like a mutated food monster from the dining hall, a crazy science professor gone evil, or a non-smoker, something like that. If anyone would like to volunteer, feel free to let me know.
So this is my plan, people of Guilford.
Ladies, open your hearts and prepare to be heroically swept off your feet by none other than: Super Asa.
Categories:
Notes from the Underground
Asa Fager
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January 24, 2003
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