Capricorn
Explore your hedonistic desires! You never know where pleasure might take you. That doesn’t mean sitting on a washing machine in Shore, you freak.Sagittarius
You will be coming into some financial difficulties this week. I heard Natty Light was on sale, even cheaper than usual. Yum.

Aquarius
I foresee a rocky romance in your future. Trying to have a serious talk on the 5th will prove to be fruitless, as it always is. Serious talks with your significant other never work and you’ve got a long, bitter lifetime ahead of you.

Pisces
Better luck next week. You’ve been cooped up for too long in the dismal pit that is your room, the dank morass of misery and woe that is your residence hall. It is time to get outside and take up the fulfilling sport of competitive croquet.

Aries
Remember that itchy red bump you were worrying about? Yeah, I’d get that checked out.

Taurus
You’ve been thinking about your life as one of those nights when the stars are out and the smell of pine needles lingers in the air and you think to yourself ‘things couldn’t get any better than this.’
Way to be wrong.

Cancer
Remember that $50 you keep bugging your mom about every week, she knows it’s not just for deodorant and toothpaste.

Gemini
I had a roommate once who ate fat-free bologna right out of the package. Let that linger in your mind as you assess your own mystery-meat eating habits this week.

Libra
Now is the time to travel to new and exciting places. So when was the last time you went to Campbell House? And, by the way, those jeans make you look fat.

Virgo
I am a Virgo and Virgos are the best. So why don’t the rest of you consider converting?

Scorpio
You need to stop freaking out about the little things in life. So what– you found a mosquito in your eggs in the caf, or your favorite Guilford sports team lost again, or there’s that rancid smell of puke in the hall of your dorm? It is all good. Just keep telling yourself that.

Leo
Buy yourself a manslave because the way your love life is looking, it could come in real handy. A kinky new comer is on the scene by the end of the week, you dirty birds!