Virgo
Oh Virgo, you never cease to amaze me. This week you will receive a promotion, meet your soul mate, and find multiple orgasms. Enjoy!Libra
I foresee a rocky week ahead. Wednesday and Thursday are bad days to spend money. Monday, to stay away from moving vehicles. Look out for West Nile-ridden mosquitoes on Tuesday and Friday. But you’ll find a quarter doing laundry on Saturday. Lucky you.

Scorpio
That special man-slave in your life has had a change of heart. He has now fallen madly in love with you and will whisk you away to a beautiful tropical island where you can import and export men to your heart’s content.

Capricorn
Your artistic side is flaming this week. Explore your creativity. For all you protestors out there: take to the sidewalks with chalk! The forecast calls for a sunny week ahead. And when everyone is sick and tired of your dogmatic ramblings, the rain will wash it all away.

Sagittarius
If you have ANY information about the whereabouts of our beloved Elvis, please alert the Victory House immediately. Wherever you are, Elvis, we can still see the gold suit shining on.

Aquarius
Yes, you are a sexy bitch. But you may want to consider refilling your Viagra prescription this week. Just because your partner doesn’t complain, doesn’t mean that you don’t suck.
You may come into financial difficulties this week because of that ridiculously expensive textbook you had to buy that you really don’t need. Well, cry me a river, build a bridge, and get over it!

Pisces
Don’t pee down your friend’s back and try to tell them its rain.

Taurus
Dearest Taurus, did you know that if the number of trampoline deaths were a disease, it would be considered an epidemic?

Gemini
I had a roommate once who was a Gemini. Gemini’s make good roommates. They are prone to eat tofu, which makes them healthy. They shave infrequently, which gives them more free time to listen to your problems. And they miraculously always manage to smell like flowers. Gemini, it’s your week.

Leo
Don’t straightjacket yourself into a box that spells tradition.

Cancer
Hey, you crazy Cancers! You never know how far you can go in the back of a church pew.