Sagittarius
Nurturing energy is all around you this week. You are pregnant … with expectation, I mean. So, what are you going to do about it? Ask yourself as you take a pregnancy test …for the level of expectation, of course.Aquarius
A tempting encounter will not be what you expect. She’s a dude.

Pisces
There is desperation all around you this week. Use your “spreading” destiny to command the four corners of Guilford this week.

Aries
This week: it’s not me; it’s definitely you. Not that we can’t still be friends.

Taurus
The snake changes its skin – Revolution. Your current situation is unstable and cannot endure. Revolution says definitely yes, but you have to change. It’s like the old joke: how many babies can you fit in a tire? You know, a zen thing.

Gemini
There is going to be chaos and turbulence in your life this week. IT&S doesn’t know what you did to your computer, the keg will be tapped as soon as you buy your cup, and you will be sexiled almost every night.

Cancer
Don’t hook up with Gemini’s roommate. They’ve been around the block a few times.

Leo
This week, the phoenix is born again in fiery splendor. As one sun sets, another sun rises.

Scorpio
Your island fantasy isn’t going as planned. Your manslave has deserted you for a less attractive rum-runner. You’ve acquired a pirate, however, who looks suspiciously like Johnny Depp. And he wears spandex every single day.

Virgo
This week you will find a brown paper bag behind a bush filled with $2,000, a bottle of Jack, and a gift certificate to Harris Teeter. Enjoy!

Libra
Wondering how your new man will look in fifty years is really just a form of self-inflicted mental abuse.

Capricorn
Is dedicating yourself to a chaste life of religious devotion, high fiber granola, and sensible underwear the only way for a modern woman to find bliss? No, it’s for the modern man.