Libra
The Spiritual Gurus that are we foresee that you will ace all your midterms and find that the Coke in the soda fountain in the Caf has become noticeably more appetizing.Scorpio
That new whip of yours has gotten a lot of use this week. Now it’s time for some chains, a couple of sets of handcuffs and a bottle of Windex or stick of butter, whichever floats your boat.

Sagittarius
We foresee bountiful pleasures this week. A Swedish masseuse named Sven shows up at your doorstep along with a deserter from the island of manslaves. Don’t ask; just accept your good fortune.

Capricorn
This newspaper will self-destruct in 5…4…3…2…

Aquarius
Your life is beginning to emerge from the dank, swampy morass that it once was. That 12-step program is really working out and that oompa loompa you’ve been seeing in your dreams will finally answer those all-encompassing questions that had been floating around in your head.

Pisces
In the words of the late Robert Palmer: You might as well face it – you’re . . .dead. We tease! Robert Palmer was a talented musician with innovative videos that changed pop music forever, uhh, like your life.

Aries
The fridge was so cold tonight that it took me an extra long time cutting the cheese that had been in there for weeks. It was all moldy and gross but it tasted really good – just like you.

Taurus
When I used to spend the summers on my grandparent’s chicken farm in West Virginia, chained in a tiny room in the basement and being subjected to Chinese water torture by Crazy Uncle Bill, I thought it couldn’t get any worse. But, looking back, it was one of the most productive times in my life. I really had the chance to do a lot of deep thinking. This week you will too.

Gemini
Beware of interactions with Taurus this week. Flashbacks are causing them to wet the bed and be rather irritable.

Cancer
Your stars tell us that your love life will be great this week, but you’ll run into financial difficulties when the bill for your Adam and Eve Frequent Buyer’s Card comes in the mail.

Leo
You know how you and your mom both think you’re special? Well, we all think you’re special too. Most of us at least.

Virgo
What else can we say? We’ll have to whip out the ol’ thesaurus for synonyms of the word “irresistible” and list them one after the other, and when we run out, we’ll look up “amazing” and “really cool.