Trying to have a love life when your roommate sleeps five feet away from you is hell. You know that; you probably whine about it. But sometimes you might forget that the havoc of your love life is hell on your roommate too.
You, at least, are getting some. All your roommie gets are juicy noises and the occasional “sexile.”
Luckily, my roommate is one of my best friends. If things get too hot and heavy behind me, I’m very comfortable telling her to get a room. Likewise, she’ll say the same thing to me if necessary, and both of us are good about giving each other room time.
But not everyone is as fortunate as me.
I’ve heard horror stories throughout my college career regarding the sex lives of those people called roommates, and not just the typical, lame walk-in stories and the “they were getting it on in my bed” stuff, either. If only they were all that G-rated.
I can see both sides of this issue, but nonetheless … I want to lay down a few rules that will make it easier for you to date my – or anyone else’s – roommate. These are the words that your roommate thinks as she hunches over her computer and tries desperately to ignore what’s going on two feet behind her back.
Rule #1. I know I’m not your girlfriend. Make nice with me anyway.
If you act like a jackass around me, no way am I going to help you get some by leaving the room when you guys want “private time.” And you can forget about asking me to find another place to spend tomorrow night.
You’re courting my roommate, and you should probably go out of your way to make sure that I’m happy too. I’m not saying bring me flowers – though I wouldn’t say no to that. Just treat me like I control a valuable commodity, because I do.
Rule #2. You are not my roommate. Don’t try to be.
Spending the night is okay every once in a while, but moving in is not. Notice how small the dorm rooms are. Your body and dirty laundry take up precious space.
You’ve seen our room often enough to know that space is already at a premium, and there just isn’t room for anyone else’s stuff.
Rule #3. Clean up after yourself.
No, I’m not asking for you to leave the room any cleaner that it was when you found it, but there are certain things I don’t want to stumble across. I don’t think I need to elaborate.
So. These suggestions are not meant to keep you from getting laid. They are merely an attempt to make your booty calls better for me.
All I really want is a little common courtesy. It’s my room too, if you haven’t noticed yet, and we’ll all get along better with a little consideration.
Maybe even so well that I’ll tell you about the other guys she brings home.