Aries
Now that the Spring Equinox has come and gone, the lunar phases have aligned so that condoms are now obsolete for you!Taurus
Dude, look at that cloud, man. It totally looks like Kent Chabotar! No man, that is Kent Chabotar, except he’s dancing in the drum circle. Let’s go play some drums, man. Totally, dude. Man, Kent Chabotar is so white and fluffy.

Gemini
You’ll have a good trip – over a log in the woods.

Cancer
Hey, your beats are totally off. You’re out of the drum circle! Go sit in the stew pot.

Leo
Beware of the following in the mud-wrestling pit this Friday: rocks, shards of glass, dead babies, a granola bar, Jimmy Hoffa.

Virgo
This is a shout-out to all the theatre people: Have fun in the Berg, Stern-style.

Libra
Body painting is fun – until someone gets poisoned by the lead in that paint you found in a rusty can at the bottom of the lake.

Scorpio
Your manslave will appear in a stampede of streakers. His distinguishing feature will be of astounding size. That’s how you’ll know he’s right for you.

Saggitarius
Our top three celestial recommendations for a psychedelic adventure on campus are: 1). The Walnut Room. 2). The ATM machine. 3). The compost heap behind the Pines.

Capricorn
Glowstick capture-the-flag is fun and all, until someone runs into that booby trap I set up in the woods

Aquarius
Attention, concert-goers: Cotton balls in the ears are not recommended by the stars, loser.

Pisces
Inflatable Lawn Games: not to be confused with the blow-up doll you play doctor with in the tree house out back.