In an unexpected turn of events, the Guilford Board of Trustees approved Kent Chabotar’s proposal for a full scholarship for white, upper-class students, drawing money from the unused Sodexho food budget.
“I think it’s high time that Guilford stopped giving scholarships to just anybody,” said Judge Biff Whitey, a Guilford alum from ’82 who holds the school’s polo record. “After all, ‘scholarship’ is just another way of saying ‘theft of money.'”
Guilford will be giving six of these scholarships, each one to a student whose family earns at least $120,000 per year. Each scholarship will pay full tuition, room, and board, as well as all additional expenses.
“There’s no reason that we should discriminate against students with solid financial backing,” said Ima Doofus, advocate of the new scholarship. “Just because a family is rolling in money doesn’t mean we shouldn’t let them save more of it.”
Parents of students from the planet Omicron Perseii VIII have protested the scholarship since it was suggested last year, demanding equal treatment for their tri-sexual offspring.
OP VIII students have had an exceptionally difficult time gaining admittance to Guilford, primarily because of their uncontrollable hungers and flesh-eating tendencies.
“This disregard for our sporelings frustrates and infuriates us!” said Luhr, ruler of OP VIII. “Guilford will give us scholarships or prepare for war! Or we’ll not watch your T.V. shows anymore!”
The Omicronians’ demands for scholarships would be less expensive than any one of the full scholarships, totaling only $2400. The Board of Trustees is undergoing discussions with the Omicronian representatives to work out a compromise.
The emerald-hued members of Guilford’s Degrees for Felons Club also cried out against the scholarship, calling for the money to instead be given to convicted felons hoping to attend classes here.
“Just because they’re felons doesn’t mean they’re not people too!” said Bleeding Heart, club representatives.
The storm generated by the scholarship proposal worsened signigicantly in the wake of the administration’s hasty 6-month-later decision to send out a memo regarding the problem.
“Chabotar knew this was going to be a problem, but not even Chabotar thought this many people would be so politically active at Guilford,” said President Chabotar.