Good news, everyone!
Smoking has been found to be the leading cause of cancer remission in a recent study by the R.J. Reynolds Department of Smoking Analysis. The chemicals in cigarette smoke apparently deny oxygen to the cells of cancerous tissue, starving them and causing tumors to decompose. This recent finding has led to increased amounts of cigarette smoke in metropolitan areas, increasing the amount of smog.
Smog does increase the temperature of an area, research by the National Institute of Things Getting Hot has shown that this increase in heat is actually beneficial to the environment.
The heat stimulates the growth of plants and may lead to a longer crop year. Farmers have flocked to the suburbs, buying large tracts of parking lot and breaking through the asphalt to the fresh soil underneath.
Tofu Unfortunately for vegetarians, tofu has also been the subject of recent attention. The enzymes in processed soybeans closely mimic some of the digestive enzymes created by the body.
The surplus of these enzymes creates effects very similar to the effects of leprosy: the body begins to destroy itself. More about the results from this study will be released as scientists determine how quickly tofu causes the body to break down.
“I was digging into a plate of tofu, when I noticed this weird, meaty taste,” said a sophomore vegan student, who wished to remain anonymous. “I looked down, and my finger had fallen off onto my fork.” Good news for dieters: lager beer has been found to be an effective aid in weight loss. The carbonation in beer leads to build-up of gases in the stomach, which creates a feeling of fullness and stops test subjects from eating. Binge drinking has been found to be even more effective than consuming beer casually; 18 to 20 bottles in the period of 60-90 minutes is recommended for maximum results.

Coffee has been found to, among other things, reduce the risk of heart attack. In an ongoing experiment by Coffeestudies International, a nonprofit group of bean growers, a new type of coffee bean has come onto the market.
The study, sponsored by the Society of Unlicensed Neurosurgeons, shows that coffee has a positive effect on digestion, prevents the formation of gallstones, and cleanses the colon. In addition, coffee is shown to be only mildly harmful in large doses – one pot of coffee is 6.3% less damaging to the body than three packs of cigarettes smoked in rapid succession.
I’m Scoop Chang, Beijing Bugle, with your weekly medical miracles update.