Welcome to Guilford, class of 2008. I know, you’re not in the mood. I completely understand. It’s hot, your feet are killing you, your hands are red and swollen from lugging boxes all day, the bookstore only has half of your required texts, and you have six CHAOS-related events tomorrow. So far, college blows.
Well don’t worry, for the next few minutes you won’t need to force another bogus smile, shake another sweaty hand, or tell anyone your name, hometown, or an interesting fact about yourself. Just kick back and relax and consider the advice offered in …
Kathy’s Survival Guide for Your First Weeks at Guilford (What You Won’t Learn From Any of the Brochures or Letters That They Send Home … )
Dorm Life: Don’t like your roommate? Talk to your RA before the room-change period. If you aren’t happy with your assigned bunk-buddy, chances are they don’t like you either. Sure, relocating all your stuff sucks, but sharing a 12×12 room with someone you hate is worse.
Food: Invent a digestive disorder, get a doctor’s note, and bring it to campus life immediately. The food could be a lot worse, but the meal plan is about as bad as it gets. If you haven’t yet, you will soon start finding takeout menus under your door. Use them.
Sex: Sex is great. Sex with condoms is better. I don’t care if she’s on the pill or if he says he’s clean. It’s not worth the risk. Don’t be a dumbass; and yes, it can happen to you.
Recreational *ahem* refreshments: Heed the advice of your elders, whatever it may be. It doesn’t matter how well you had the system mastered back home, it looks really bad when you get busted for making one stupid mistake.
CHAOS: Keep your pajamas on, lock your door, and play video games until classes begin.
Politics: For the love of God, make sure you know what you’re talking about before you open your mouth. People here will eat you alive.
Political Correctness: Forget about it. You’re at Guilford now – there’s no such thing anymore. The concept has been sucked dry.
Student Health: Great for dispensing cold medicine and the occasional antibiotic, not so good for unusual ailments and emergencies. It would be wise to locate an Urgent Care center that works with your insurance.
Academic Skills Center (ASC): You’ve proven you’re smart enough to get into college. Now swallow your pride and go here for help with anything academic. By no means is this a resource for dummies – the staff really knows their stuff.
Classes: If you’re thinking that an 8:30 won’t be so bad, stop now. It will be that bad. Don’t do it. Want to read more about classes? Then go pick up a handbook. This is MY survival guide.
Welcome to college, kids. Now, who wants to go to Wal-Mart?