Guilford College President Kent Chabotar unveiled his Strategic Short-Range Weekend Plans (SSRWP) in a speech in Dana auditorium March 15. Chabotar spoke to the Community Senate, the Board of Trustees, and almost a dozen interested students.
The Strategic Short-Range Plan, or SSRWP, explains in extensive detail Chabotar’s goals for the Guilford community for this weekend.
“Guilford aspires to be great everywhere,” Chabotar began. “Especially on the weekends. That is why the short-range plan is of such critical importance.”
“This plan will guide Guilford, as a community, through the first beer on Friday, the first of April, until the somber, hung-over night of Sunday, April third,” Chabotar said.
Chabotar cited his duty as president to make the weekend’s partying a success.
“When I was selected as the college’s eighth president I predicted that our work together as individuals and as a community would constitute an awesome adventure. Now it’s time to start preparing for that adventure-this weekend will, God willing, set a new precedent for awesomeness.”
The weekend’s plans, according to Chabotar, will start immediately after classes on Friday with an “after-school special smoke session” to be conducted “somewhere in the meadows.” All community members are invited to join.
Guilford will “probably go to that party” on Friday night, according to the SSRWP.
“It’s at Hildebrandt -or is it Kaiser? Anyway, we’re going to have to walk, unless someone wants to DD.”
Saturday will be spent in bed until the early afternoon. The plan calls for Saturday night to be spent going to the Reggae Jam at the Cat’s Cradle in Winston-Salem.
“Saturday,” Chabotar said “lays out majestic opportunities for partying, but also presents daunting challenges.”
“Saturday’s festivities will begin around 2 p.m. with a low-key wake-‘n’-bake,” Chabotar said. “But I don’t have a piece. Someone’s going to have roll a j. That reggae show is definitely going to be worth the $10, but we will, as a community, have to find a ride.”
Sunday’s plans are still debatable, according to Chabotar.
“I haven’t gotten to Sunday yet. The beauty of the SSRWP is its flexibility. The plan’s bold goals will only be met if we allow ourselves the room to adjust priorities.”
Guilford’s core values, according to Chabotar, were incorporated into every facet of the Strategic Plan for the weekend.
“Excellence is a prerequisite for all the ‘weekend investments’,” Chabotar said with a wink.
“We are committed to setting high standards, especially if we want to get really high,” Chabotar said. “No schwag. Also, we will strive to achieve integrity, stewardship, and the rest of them, too. That’s what makes Guilford a special place.”
Student reactions to the SSRWP were mixed.
“I think they’re trying to change the school,” senior Henry Tudor said. “Except not really. Just the image. Like, they want a different type of student to go here. The SSRWP sounds like something a jock would make up.”
“I don’t know if the plan is environmentally friendly enough,” sophomore activist Matilda Norman said.
First-year William Hannover was less ambivalent.
“I’m going to get so wasted, man! The SSRWP is great,” he said. “I can’t wait until tomorrow!”
“If the strategic plan succeeds,” Chabotar concluded his speech, “Guilford will be a much better and a different place. Or, it’ll seem like it, at least. Until we come down.”
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APRIL FOOLS!!! (in case your stoned enough to actually believe this story)
Sorry for getting your hopes up!