The new Guilford apartments will be full of amenities: fully furnished with wall-to-wall carpeting, heated floors and washer and dryers in every apartment. However the highlight feature will be 24-hour community porn lounges on every floor. The 24-hour community porn lounges were a student-sponsored idea.

Students had long been petitioning for the lounges, but the administration had repeatedly denied requests for various reasons.

Primarily, being a Quaker institution, the college feared discriminating between the different kinds of porn shown in the lounge.

The solution: the lounges, which will show feeds from national porn networks, will alternate equally between the different kinds of adult videos.

Videos will not be chosen on the basis of sex, race, religion or creed of their adult performers.

“Here at Guilford we seek to eliminate discrimination,” said Dean of Enrollment Randy Doss. “Our efforts will be doubly reinforced in the adult lounges on campus.”

The adult lounges will feature 52″ flat panel televisions.

The furnishing will be post-modern and will religiously adhere to all feng-shui standards.

Students are welcoming the porn lounges with praise.

Many seniors are now thinking about staying an extra year.

Unofficial statistics also show that there will be a 100 percent reduction in transfer rate.

“The idea of a community porn lounge is phenomenal,” said senior Edmund Ironside who is now staying an extra year.

“Law school can wait. This, here, is our time in history.”

Advocates of the adult lounges have been vocal in outlining the health benefits of this venture.

They point out that a healthy sexual appetite is not something to be condemned, and leads to added health benefits such as reduction in the rates of prostate cancer.

Counseling director Ernest McCoy also believes that the inception of these lounges will lead to lower drug usage in the apartment tenants.

“When students are allowed to engage in healthy sexual behavior, the need to find other sources of pleasure diminishes,” said McCoy. “Plus we can monitor the sexual behaviors of students and ensure safe sexual practices.”

The administration has laid out several ground rules for the use of the facility.

No public masturbation or other sexual activities will be allowed.

Visitors will be allowed after a surcharge of $4.99 is paid per visit.

“Our charges for non-students are modest,” said Dean of Finance Jerry Boothby. “You pay four dollars just to go to blockbuster. Their adult selection will be meek compared to ours. Trust me, we promise a lot more.”

In order to ensure campus security, all visitors will be escorted at all times by an officer from the Greensboro Police Department.

Given the nature of their job, escorting officers will be allowed into lounges at discounted rates, which are yet to be disclosed.

Doss and Boothby believes that along with guest fees, the added financial benefits from increased recruitment will allow the college to make a profit for the first time in 200 years.

“After all, the college is a business,” said Doss. “Demand drives supply. The community adult lounges are an effort to improve customer satisfaction.”

Faculty and staff will be allowed in at no charge.

Most are strongly in support of the venture and have no qualms in voicing their support.

“I am supporting this venture because it is ingenious not because I proposed it,” said Religious Studies Professor Max Carter.

“This will prove to be a revolution in higher education. What other school takes such a leading role in sex education?”

Soon, President Kent Chabotar is going on a neighborhood tour to promote Guilford.

He plans to go door to door to publicize the community porn lounges and other unique aspects of the Guilford community.

“We focus on what’s important. That is what makes Guilford a special place,” said Chabotar.

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