In an act of unprecedented legislation, on March 30 both houses of Congress as well as three fourths of the nation’s states ratified the Constitution to include a new amendment – the Ten Commandments now stand as “law of the land.” Not only is the Decalogue now permitted to adorn the walls of public institutions, but it has authority to override any law previously passed in the history of U.S. legislation. The amendment was passed as a result of a record number of absent representatives to the House and Senate on March 30, particularly Democrats.
Congress members’ excuses ranged from Asian bird flu to extraterrestrial abductions. New York Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton told The New York Times that her alarm clock failed to wake her.
“My radio alarm clock is set to classic rock,” said Clinton. “Bill hates AC/DC and hit the snooze before I opened my eyes.”
“My dog ate my congressional calendar,” said House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi. “I thought the hearing for the Ten Command-ments amendment was on Friday. Otherwise, I totally would have been there.”
“I ran out of gas on the way to work,” said Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid. “When I stopped for gas, a sniper blew out my tires.”
The Washington Post reported that the liberal legislators that were present to vote appeared to have “dull, hazy facial expressions” and “moved mechanically,” leading some to speculate that they were, in fact, robots. In both Houses, the vote tallied to just over the two thirds needed to pass an amendment, which was ratified by 38 states, the bare minimum required.
The following day saw the first enforcement of the decree-police forces across the nation were ordered to summarily implement the new regulation.
Raymond White of Oklahoma City was arrested on charges of coveting his neighbor’s ox.
According to Exodus 20:17: “Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s house, thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s wife, nor his manservant, nor his maidservant, nor his ox, nor his ass, nor any thing that is thy neighbor’s.”
The man’s neighbor, Jos Ramirez, turned White in to authorities after what he described as a 10-year battle over livestock.
“Finally I can get some peace,” Ramirez said. “Ray has been coveting my ox ever since he moved next door, and I haven’t been able to do anything about it until now.”
On April 1, nine-year-old Patrick Thomas shoplifted a pack of bubblegum from a 7-Eleven in Springfield, Mass. He now faces a five- to ten-year prison sentence for violating federal law, “Thou shalt not steal.”
The third violation occurred that afternoon in Raleigh, N.C., when Ethel Mae Raney reported to local police that her 46-year-old son, Dan Raney, forgot her birthday the day before.
“How many times does a person turn 75?” said Raney. “I put that boy through college and still do his laundry. If that’s not dishonoring thy mother, I don’t know what is.”
A new department will be established as an extension of the judicial branch to settle matters of biblical interpretation. To aid the court system, a certified clergyman, trained and licensed by the Bush administration, will be present at all trials concerning Ten Command-ments cases and will have equal jurisdiction as the judge over decision-making.
The 28th amendment faces surprisingly little opposition. Even Guilford students have embraced the constitutional addition, helping administrators post the Ten Commandments in classrooms as the law encourages.
“At Guilford we are always looking for ways to embrace our Quaker heritage,” said Guilford sophomore Victoria Brunswick. “When I see the Ten Commandments in a classroom, I feel more morally prepared to learn. I feel like my sins are absolved by the time class is over.”
“That’s what makes Guilford special,” said Guilford president Kent Chabotar.
Even those opposed to the amendment have an apathetic outlook.
“What can we do about it?” said Roberta James, former lobbyist of separation of church and state issues, who resigned after the March 30 ruling. “After Bush was re-elected, I lost all faith in politics. Bush will do what he wants to do, and Americans will follow him like sheep.”
APRIL FOOLS!!! BREATHE PEOPLE…