Ok, people, this is my last stop. After commencement on May 7, my presence and this column will no longer be a part of Guilford. In light of that, I could use this space for sappy sentiments of what a valuable experience this has been, but where’s the fun in that? Instead, I’m going to clear things up for some of the morons who take themselves too seriously to figure it out. There seem to be people out there who think I have this inherent hatred for all organized groups. But that would make me an anarchist, and they’re morons too – a good percentage of them, anyway. You see, it’s not any group or cause that bugs me; it’s the type of person I’ve been addressing. Really, this column has been about the same thing week after week while using some group as a starting-off point.

Is every pharmacist a dumbass? No; just the ones who refuse to do their jobs. Is every feminist an embarrassment to womankind? Of course not; just the ones who hurt the cause. Is every blogger on the net a pathetic loser? Only the ones who use it as substitution for actual human interaction.

And what about more “Guilfo-centric” issues – is everyone living in a dorm an inconsiderate slob? No (but damn, there are a lot of them). Is every person who puts together a public display of expression a nuisance to the rest of us? Just the ones that don’t know what they’re doing. And being drunk doesn’t make you a pain in the ass; being a stupid drunk does.

So with that out of the way, what is it about the people I focus on that makes them so damn unlikable? Think about it: girls kidnapping themselves, women turning feminism into their own pet project, pharmacists forcing their morals onto their customers. These are people who push all the written and unwritten laws of social interaction and human decency aside because what they want to do is somehow more important.

This didn’t start out as my pet peeve. At first it was simply a fascination. “How does someone grow up to be like that? How have they not yet been lobotomized on pure principle? Who raises these people?” And as time went on, and it became clearer to me just how many people like this there are in the world, my question remains, “how does that happen?”

I don’t have an answer, only a theory, though I’m pretty sure I’m right about it: someone told them they were special when they shouldn’t have. Whether it was their therapist, a parent, someone trying to get lucky, or their own subconscious, I’ve decided that the only way for a person to become this disgustingly self-assured, is for someone to put cockamamie illusions of awesomeness into their heads.

So for my last installment as the Forum columnist in The Guilfordian, I’m going to correct the wrongdoings of those who put morons on self-indulgent power trips and call it a good deed.

You’re not special. You’re not important; you’re not even that smart. You’re not destined for greatness and you’re not a born leader. Your agenda is no more important than anyone else’s, and the fact that you think it is makes it even less important and sets you down another notch on the food-chain. Your views on politics, socialism, human nature, art, the environment, etc. are just opinions, and everyone has them. Stop thinking that the world somehow benefits from you running your mouth. You’re just a person.

If people don’t like you, and you find yourself automatically assuming that they’re the ones with the problem, then you just go on thinking that and see how far it takes you. If you think that people just don’t get you, that you’re too mature, intellectual, or deep for the general public to comprehend, you’re wrong. Really, your personality just sucks. Get a new one.

It’s because of people like you that I started this damn column. And it just so happens to be people like you that hate my column. Would you look at that? No one to blame but yourselves.

Peace out.