The headlines are flashing like tits in Girls Gone Wild videos – Abercrombie & Fitch has inspired controversy once again. A&F is selling shirts that say things like “The Island of Lesbos: Every Man’s Dream,” “So Many Pussies to Love” (with cats around the text), and of course, the most famous of all, “Who Needs Brains When You Have These?” prominently displayed across the chest.

According to Reuters, “the Women & Girls Foundation of Southwest Pennsylvania launched a ‘girl-cott’ of the store in protest over the T-shirts, launching an e-mail campaign and appearing on NBC’s Today show to air their concerns.”

In response, A&F agreed to cease selling several of the shirts, saying, “We recognize that the shirts in question, while meant to be humorous, might be troubling to some.”

What really scrapes my chalkboard is that A&F has actually buckled under these protests. They were really furthering the cause to destroy feminism, and it pisses me off that they actually made women feel like they have some sort of voice.

These shirts provide fundamental messages to women. “Do I Make You Look Fat?” one shirt asks. Now that is important. Hot chicks need to assert their dominance over inferior women.

Just think: if we stop insulting larger women, they could develop self-esteem. With self-esteem comes happiness and contentment. If fat women let this get to their heads they could either lose weight or not care about their weight. If this happens, we will have no one to make fun of, which will make the important women less happy.

And how about the shirt that says “Freshman 15” with the names of 15 guys under it – that’s useful information! It can really be frustrating to us guys when we want to pick up a piece of ass and the bitches ain’t bitin’. A&F was really helping us out with big blinking I-Like-To-Screw signs, and then this group of losers had to go and ruin it.

And what’s with this “girl-cott” business? I’m glad that virtually every paper covering the issue put the phrase up front and in quotes to make it look as trivial as possible – because it is. Besides, the girls who kicked up the controversy are from Southwest Pennsylvania, so who cares about them any way? Sounds like they should be wearing this one: “CAREFUL! I had a bowl of bitchy for breakfast.”

I guess the point I really want to make is that women need to know their place, and A&F helps them do that. It’s OK for women to feel strong, but only if they are rich, beautiful ladies, and only if they feel strong within the glass house we men set aside for them.

For example, women need to understand that the best way for them to get anywhere in life is with their racks. “Who Needs Brains When You Have These?” is right. Sure, you can earn 75 percent of what a man earns doing the same work with the same experience, but wouldn’t you rather lounge in your mansion all day drinking cocktails until you don’t feel emotions?

Also, women need to learn to be more materialistic. “if at first you don’t succeed, try buying me some diamonds.” Not only will this one help women understand that they should be willing to sell themselves for the right price, but it also lets them know that they don’t need to trouble themselves with silly grammar issues like capitalization.

I’ll say again, I am disappointed in A&F for letting those sex-starved feminists win this little scuffle. However, I am consoled that A&F probably used the whole episode as a free-advertising campaign, and that sales are probably flying higher than a coked-up stripper, and that most women are smart enough to know that these messages are for their own good.