Thank you. Tonight I am here to tell you that the state of our union is, well, actually we’re kind of screwed. [applause] Throughout 2005 we saw an upsurge of global hatred for us and for our policies, and we have tortured prisoners of our illegal war. [applause]

Many more soldiers and civilians have lost their lives, and I still can’t tell you why. [applause]

Many people in New Orleans died or were left homeless due to a catastrophic hurricane. Yeah, I guess we should have been better prepared for that. [applause]

I am also here to tell you that health care is in a state of emergency. Last year many people died or suffered from serious illness because they could not afford medical care. [applause]

The environment is getting more polluted every day, and we are taking little if any action to prevent this. We have clear evidence of global warming, but we are still emitting tons of carbon dioxide. [applause]

We also have two new Supreme Court justices this year; both are going to slow any real progress. [applause]

I’d like to point out that this nation is addicted to money. [applause]

Let me make a suggestion to you all. Start saving for retirement now; there isn’t going to be any more Social Security in the future. [applause]

Civil Rights are continuing to be violated all around the country, despite the written laws, and we have yet to pass any new legislation to protect gays and lesbians from discrimination. [applause]

The education system is also doing poorly. We continue to teach our students myths, not facts, so that they will believe that America is the greatest nation in the world and the only one worth paying any attention to. [applause]

Finally, privacy has been invaded, and we have been listening in on your phone calls, and observing what books you read. Of course this isn’t going to stop terrorism, but I am the President and I like this power. [applause]

Perhaps if I began acting like the Christian that I claim to be, then God might bless America. Good night. [standing ovation]