News has it that the Greenleaf staff created their own document detailing the Greenleaf’s Ten Commandments to make sure that the Greenleaf is an inclusive atmosphere for Guilford students of all social groups. Did you hear that, kids? You will no longer be given the evil eye or the confused stare when you venture into the Greenleaf with a Coach handbag, an Abercrombie T-shirt, or a soccer ball in hand. “The idea for a document detailing the Greenleaf’s 10 commandments was mine,” said a wool-cap wearing, vegetarian sophomore. “I woke up one morning and it struck me that the Greenleaf is becoming more and more exclusive everyday. That made me sad. I began thinking what drives people away from our community? Then I realized the answer – discrimination!”

Consequently, the 10 commandments all begin with “We shall not discriminate against.”

This document protects the rights of different types of people including “girls wearing high heels, people wearing sports jerseys, people wearing designer labels, Christians, people who do not advertise their political beliefs by their wardrobe, people who participate in the act of shopping, people who are often spotted in malls or nail salons, people with highlighted hair, people who eat meat, and people who are wearing colors besides the color green.”

John Peacemovement, a tie-dye wearing, bearded junior was another participant in the creation of this noble document, and came up with many of the commandments.

“I work at the Greenleaf and I come here everyday, and it is disheartening for me to see that the selection of people here is getting more and more specific by the minute,” Peacemovement said. “It is getting out of control! It is selective to the point that everyone at the Greenleaf wears nothing but green. I would like to see other colors involved in our community.”

Jane Globalwarming, an employee at the Greenleaf, said that she heard rumors circulating around campus that many Guilford students dislike many of the kids that regularly attend the Greenleaf.

“I was so surprised when I heard these polo shirt-wearing freshmen mutter under their breaths that they hate the Greenleaf kids!” Globalwarming said. “We are a group of peace-loving activists that make the world a better place. No one else knows anything about suffering in Africa!”

Sarah-Jessica, who is known as Sarah-Jessica Parker by her peers, said that she and the other members of her posse are afraid to go into the Greenleaf.

“We feel like we have done something wrong as soon as we walk in because we are sabotaged by speeches about being more socially aware” Parker said. “It’s like we have a label on our foreheads that says anti-feminist, war-lover, or self-obsessed.”

Sarah-Jessica’s boyfriend Mike Quarterback and her best friend Chanel Handbag concurred.

“I don’t know any of these people because they refuse to talk to me,” Quarterback said. “Maybe they are worried about catching an athlete disease of some sort.”

Handbag said that she does not feel safe at the Greenleaf.

“The few times I have been there, I felt suffocated by the stares and glares that I got,” Handbag said. “I am afraid to ever go in there again.”

However, when questioned about the safety of the Greenleaf, Ron Stowe, Director of Public Safety said that “This isn’t a public safety issue, it is a community issue. We are all impacted by this.