A spoon-wielding Transvokian man from a fictional nation was shot to death by a multi-millionaire and an investigative reporter after taking a hostage during a dinner party at Guilford on Oct. 28. This occurrence was shortly preceded by semi-participatory audience-member cross-dressing and a slew of retroactive marriages. Now you’ve got the punchline, so what happened? Well, Yuzor Sope killed his sister, Joy Sope, out of jealousy that she won the Joy Award for janitor of the year. Yuzor also framed a series of her co-workers by planting evidence which connected all of them to the event. Luckily, he was caught thanks to audience participation and the sharp shooting multi-millionaire Mr. Kleen. According to CAB this was what is called a “murder mystery dinner,” somewhat of a common occurrence around Halloween. Often no police reports are filed after these gory extravaganzas, and most times the audience ends up laughing. A frightening social development, indeed.

Forty-nine students voluntarily gathered in the Walnut Room to investigate Joy Sope’s murder and to enjoy a meal, not knowing of the drama that would unfold before them.

All this mischief was masterminded by CAB public relations co-chair Justin Shreve.

“We had a really good turnout so we’ll probably have them (We Act for You) back next year,” Shreve said callously, when questioned about the murders which had taken place that evening.

Strangely enough, no charges were pressed against anyone involved in the event. In fact, the audience seemed appallingly disconnected from the reality of the event. They were even persuaded to shout “dun dun dun” and other decidedly inappropriate sound effects, making the whole thing seem like some farcical play.

Every single person who was approached for questioning seemed more interested in commenting on the aesthetics of the event than in asking why the multi-millionaire Mr. Kleen was permitted to carry a firearm despite his identification as a suspect in a murder trial.

“The cross-dressing SWATT team was pretty funny,” said first-year Kalyn Howard, giggling despite the shooting which she had just observed.

The SWATT (the extra T stands for transvestite) team was a group of men who were called out during the show, asked to put on dresses, and then led through a eulogy for the late Ms. Sope. The men were notably uncomfortable at first, most likely because they did not know the late Ms. Sope and were pushed into this strange situation by her murderous brother.

There was also a group of female students in the audience who found themselves suddenly divorced from the multi-millionaire Mr. Kleen and were called to provide evidence that he did not have a motive solely to kill his one ex-wife, Ms. Sope, but many others who had not been similarly killed.

“I can tell that they weren’t taking themselves seriously,” said Johnathan Crass, another first-year witness to the event, and veteran of such dastardly deeds. “You wanna try to keep it fun.”

While this may be true, public disrespect for the victim and the legal process is not something which has classically been a part of murder investigations before. Mr. Crass’ past is currently under investigation as well. Sophomore Michaela Barnhart was so unhinged by the event that she started talking as though the whole thing were some kind of … staged event.

“It’s really hard to get sound cues right and they did that really well,” Barnhart said, yet another victim of some form of institutionalized sociopathy. These kind of violent going-ons most certainly go against Guilford’s Quaker values, and should send a serious message about the lack of proper safety on the campus. If the community cannot come together to prevent murder, theft, and bald-faced attempts at comedy, then it will surely crumble under the weight of its own inaction.