“Eat corporate or die,” screamed Head Chef Diana Henry at the top her lungs as Cafeteria employees staged a strike on Founder’s Porch in protest of Meriwether Godsey (MG). Beside her stood a picket line, each person carrying signs with slogans such as “Down with Animal Rights,” “No More Vegan Station,” and “Too Much Vegetation without Representation.” According to John J. J. Schmidt, former cafeteria manager, MG keeps putting all of their money into renovating and environmental policies, but they will not pay a fair wage.
“Don’t let their fair business practices fool you,” said the new manager, Joseph Dreamcoat. Many employees claim MG’s new requirements subject them to slave labor and many wish that they were still with Sodexho.
“I am drowning in salad dressing,” said Jane Doewoman, executive salad maker. “Day in day out, I make elaborate gourmet salads and dressings from scratch. My hands have arthritis from all of the vegetables I have to cut. I get no breaks and MG does not understand that my allergy to spinach causes me to be break out in rashes and scratch my body all day. Students pelt me with peapods and they get stuck in my hair net.”
Tommy Pinkerton, who mans the vegan station, also complains of unfair practices.
“They won’t hire anyone else to help me,” said Pinkerton. “I am on my feet making stir fry after stir fry for impatient students. Before MG, Sodexho had easy preparation meals to make.”
According to Pinkerton, it takes her an average of 5-10 minutes longer to prepare each dish. She pointed out how it also affects students who are in hurry and do not have time to wait in a long line.
Generally, cafeteria employees agree the main issue is that MG refuses to provide extra compensation for all of the extra work they do.
“Fresh is not better for us,” said Doewoman. “We have been working overtime and they don’t give us an extra dime, not one single dime.”
Employees also complain that new environmental policies cause the cafeteria to be more chaotic.
“Why did they get rid of the trays?” said Suds T. Lather, dishwasher. “We are always backed up in the dish room now, because some students throw their dishes and cups around. We clean up dish avalanches all day.”
Students on the meal plan declare they now starve.
“Without cafeteria workers, no one can get enough food,” said first-year Newb McNewberson.
Many reports claim that more anarchy exists inside of the cafeteria than outside at the picket line. “I’ve seen different students form gangs to fight over the all the remaining food,” said McNewberson.
According to several sources, the gangs have split into two rival factions, athletes and vegans.
“The vegan coalition wants to make this an opportunity to impress upon the community our higher values,” said sophomore Norman Hipster at the protest. “We plan to destroy all of the animal products and end the tyranny of dairy and big game farmers.”
Athletes also sent a spokesperson, Manly Busch, captain of the Beer Pong Team, to the protest. Though Hipster and Busch exchanged some terse words, the protest remained peaceful.
“I can’t name names, but we have found ways to show the vegans that athletes dominate what’s left in the cafeteria,” said Busch.
An unnamed source revealed some of the athlete’s tactics:
“Let just says that their tofu might be tainted,” said the source. “They need to know what butter and meat taste like for their own good.”
Visiting Assistant Professor Robert Duncan, unofficial adviser to the vegan coalition, said that the athletes have responded in other ways they won’t admit to the Guilford community. “The goat entrails in the parking lot say that the locals want us the hell out of there,” Duncan said.
“I support the cafeteria strike,” said another athlete, Amy Whinemouse. “I want my meat and processed food back. If that means staging a revolt against MG, then I will do whatever is takes.”
Although simply a rumor at this point, sources claim that the athletes and the cafeteria employees may join forces in an effort to take down Meriwether Godsey. Several members of the campus community see this as a possible start in bridging the athlete non-athlete divide.
“With visible chaos inside and outside of founders, and non-stop fights for food, the future of the cafeteria seems bleak,” said Whinemouse.
The student health center reported several cases of malnutrition and starvation because of the strike.
“We just don’t know what to do for students,” said Director of Student Health Helen Rice. “I am bringing in my own food from home just to keep these students alive.”
The cafeteria strikers refuse to give into pressure from MG, the Guilford administration or students.
“We won’t stop until we get what we want,” said cafeteria employee Sandy Bottom. “We are not against violent tactics if it comes to that.