The economic downturn had affected everyone in some way, shape, or form. Every day, CNN is plastered with headlines about the dire shape of the economy that bespeak of the financial plight it has brought upon the American public. Thus the question arises of how the Guilford community is countering the present state of the economy.

Fortunately, a plan is already in progress.

For those unaware, Guilford College once was home to their own exclusive dairy farm. The college was able to supply its own dairy products, hence eliminating all dependence on outside resources in this regard.

So, in keeping with this inspiration from the past, the administration has put an innovative plan in motion to convert the beloved Pines House into a slaughterhouse.

While this change may seem somewhat radical, this project will undeniably benefit students and the college amidst this economic crisis.

There is no denying the exceptional expense involved in shipping meat, and with the necessity to cut corners where possible this renovation is ideal.

However, this will be no average slaughterhouse, oh no. Again, with the economy in such a dismal state, all natural resources should be implemented. Times are hard, and Guilford should adjust with them.

Therefore, the administration has also announced its intention to use the surplus of squirrels and geese to provide a wider selection of all natural, nourishing meat products for the deserving student body.

“Guilford should play its part in responding to this economic crisis, and I can think of no better way than by taking advantage of our natural surroundings,” said President Kent Chabotar. “Of course, all donations to this worthy cause would be much appreciated.”

The future prospects of this project not only have the administration in a frenzy of excitement and anticipation, but also students around campus. In fact, sophomore Ellee Stapleton is considering abandoning her long-time vegetarianism in light of this project.

“Once I heard about this project I was instantly thrilled,” said Stapleton. “I’m hoping that Guilford even crafts a class so I can get involved in the process. It could even count as a science lab credit, Slaughterhouse Styles 101. “

In fact, the positive energy surrounding this slaughterhouse is widespread throughout Guilford’s campus.

“The goat entrails in the parking lot say that the locals want us the hell out of there,” said Robert Duncan, associate professor of political science.

“This project truly upholds many of the staple Quaker values of Guilford,” said Aaron Fetrow, dean of students. “Stewardship and simplicity are two values that embody the purpose and intentions surrounding the Pines conversion . not to mention I’ve always heard that goose is exceedingly delicious.