As people walk through our gorgeous campus on a spring afternoon, a cool breeze blowing and the flowers in bloom, it is a pity that they must observe the first-years. These students drain the school of valuable funds with their massive numbers and place the school in dire economic trouble. We barely have enough room on campus to house them all.I think all parties involved with this grand institution can agree that, with the state of the economy as it is and with the economic strain Guilford is now under, the first-years present a problem. Therefore, any group able to find a solution to the problem of the first-years would be a hero.

“Hero is a big word,” said Vice President for Enrollment Services Randy Doss.

It is my intent to come up with just such a solution, so as to save the college a fair amount of money and put us on the cutting edge of what could be a nationwide movement.

It’s time to put all pretenses aside. These are hard times and everyone is struggling. We must do something to move our college in the right direction financially.

First, we must consider that all first-years pay between $17,990 and $17,050 based upon which housing plan they choose. This is a healthy sum, and it’s adequate to keep the college above water financially.

However, we must also consider the hefty amount of scholarships and financial aid Guilford offers. First-years can easily cut corners in tuition through scholarships and financial aid. This would not be a problem if not for their massive numbers. With so many first-years, Guilford is losing money hand over fist.

My plan would rid us of ever again having to pay the first-years back after they pay tuition. We could save huge amounts of money and begin to generate a profit in the first year my plan is put into place.

It’s time to eat the first-years.

Yes, that’s right, my grand plan is to serve the first-years in the very cafeteria they once ate in themselves. And, while munching on a piece of pizza covered in first-year slices may not sound appetizing, just think how economically sound the venture is. We get one year of free tuition, parents of first-years will never have to worry about their children or spend any more money on them, and the other students get to enjoy a nice filet-o’-first-year. It’s a win-win-win situation.

Just think of how much housing Guilford could empty once we prepare a nice batch of first-year giblets. Single rooms for everyone and no lines in the cafeteria anymore sounds marvelous.

Of course, we would have to make some exceptions with first-year athletes. We must fill teams and compete for the glory of Guilford. Also, we should excuse any first-years whose parents could donate large sums of money to the school in the future.

Times are tough, money is tight, and having so many first-years crowd Guilford is unacceptable. So, fire up the grill and grab those plates, this economic plan is delicious.