— MORIA In a recent freak incident, Gimli, son of Gloin, director of Lonely Mountain Mining LTD. sustained significant losses in both personnel and equipment when a Balroc erupted from the gaping mouth of an Unobtanium shaft. Estimated damages total to 4 million Morian Rupees not including the loss of at least 43 valued troll and dwarf laborers. “It’s a terrible situation but we must stick to our core values in this trying time,” Gimli commented in an official LMM statement.

— BARAD-DUR

It was just another day in the Mordorian capital for Lord Sauron until he accidentally shocked himself into a coma with his Oral-B electric toothbrush this Tuesday. With renovations on the Dark Tower’s new jacuzzi parlour/martini lounge nearing completion, the news of Sauron’s indefinite incapacitation put legions of Orc interior designers in a state of limbo. “I just don’t know where to put the bidet,” said Grotgor the Tasteful, who gained renown for his provocative floral arrangements in Isengard’s Hall of Despicable Discussions. “We’re not entirely sure how to resuscitate Lord Sauron nor are we sure why he was using an electric toothbrush in the fist place, unless he was grooming his eyelashes,” said Doctor Morwort. “Foul play is suspected.”

— OSGILIATH

Citizens of Gondor have mixed feelings about a new Elven development plan designed to revitalize the old capital city’s Red Lantern District with further plans to dam the river Anduin for a forthcoming hydroelectric plant. With the success of recent films, Osgiliath has eagerly adapted to rising tourist attention, however many Men of Gondor are concerned about the appropriation of their traditional culture and the term Gondorification has entered the vocabulary of Middle Earth anthropology. “Anthropology is a big word,” Randy Doss said.