You should not think of what you flush down the toilet as waste. Guilford College does not. And even if you do not know it, your dumps are helping Guilford become more sustainable.
In honor of our year of sustainability, Guilford has taken the tremendous step of recycling human fecal matter. Instead of sequestering the body’s byproducts underground, they are being used to benefit the campus and the community.
The potent mixture of urine and feces is being sprayed on the lawn to fertilize the grass, as well as in the campus and the cafeteria gardens.
“I was wondering why the grass was greener this year,” said sophomore Dylan Lin. “English still smells the same though.”
There has also been some discussion of drying the excrement to be used in the bonfires, as people usually do not remember them anyway.
“The only question is who would carry the dried dung out there,” said Environmental Sustainability Coordinator Jim Dees.
These and many other creative uses of the seemingly disgusting byproducts of our bodies really showcase the Guilford spirit of ingenuity and responsibility to the community and the world.
“Your number twos are making us number one,” said President and Professor of Political Science Kent Chabotar in a speech.
As if this not enough, our ability to use this innovative and odorous resource has been doubled or even tripled, thanks to the ingenuity of Mary Ervine, creative director at Merryweather Godfrey. A laxative is being placed in the food to help produce more of the world-saving elixir.
The laxative was developed in the late 1950s by the government, which was researching possible uses in warfare, according to BCC America. It is now being used to increase your bowel movements and decrease your carbon impact.
“We just wanted to help (the student body) decrease their impact on the environment,” said Ervine. “Besides, we sell more food and students get to spend more time out of class and on the toilet. We both benefit.”
When prompted, Ervine admitted to not having eaten any of the food.
“But I’m sure that there is no decrease in quality (of the food),” Ervine said.
“I enjoy knowing that I had a part in making this campus,” said senior Gregory Hamilton, who eats off campus. “I can now look at the trees on the quad and say ‘I helped feed that.'”
Assistant Professor of Biology Michele Matlotky explained that the laxative method was ineffective due to the fact that students with the runs would require more food and water, thus offsetting the benefit. But that is not important. What is important is that we are helping the environment.
What the world needs is more people like the faculty, staff, and students of Guilford, who have turned “Green and Beyond” into the much more practical “Brown and Beyond.” So now you do not have to feel bad for not walking the fifteen more steps to throw your paper bag in the recycling, because your McBreakfast is going to be helping the environment in just a few hours.