It’s budget blowout time for Community Senate, and everything must go.

“We’ve been very careful with allocations this year, and it’s paying off now,” said Community Senate President Dana Hamdan. “We have enough Benjamins left for a way radical project.” 

This is in-line with the newly revised Community Senate bylaws, which now state, “Community Senate shall use any budget surplus for whatever project is deemed to be the most sweet by the student body.” And, after an extensive process of throwing darts at options on a wall, Community Senate has found the most sweet project. 

“We realized that the lake doesn’t get enough use, probably due to the extensive amount of goose poop,” Hamdan said. “So we decided to fill that sucker up with chlorine and construct a giant waterslide so students can splash in style.” 

The waterslide will start at the top of Milner and empty out into the lake after a long series of twists and turns. 

“We talked to every single student on campus, and they all thought it was a great idea,” said Community Senate Vice President Patchouli Oerther. “This is the most diverse project Community Senate has ever undertaken since the last one.” 

“Senate was very active in soliciting feedback from the community — in addition to our regular Senate meetings, we also held our regular budget meetings,” said Community Senate Outreach Co-Chair Zak Wear. 

When asked to comment, President and Professor of Political Science Kent Chabotar said, “I’m ready to get my soak on.”

“I don’t know if this is the best use of money, but I cannot deny that it will be really freaking awesome,” said Vice President for Student Affairs and Dean of Students Aaron Fetrow. “No one will ever have to go across town to Emerald Pointe again, thanks to our new Thrill Rides and Beyond initiative.” 

“I am psyched,” said Professor of English Jim Hood. “This is going to attract a much more diverse group of students to Guilford. Senate is making it rain, and we’re getting the benefits.”

“One of our core values is excellence,” said Assistant to the President for Planning and Management Jeff Favolise. “Let’s face it — you can’t get more totally excellent than this. This is as excellent as the huge battle in ‘Return of the King’ or something.” 

However, the project is not without its detractors. 

“I’m very concerned about how this will affect community here at Guilford,” said Director of the Friends Center and Campus Ministry Coordinator Max Carter. “Senate says it will improve community, but they’re really just throwing money at it. You can’t throw money at community because community doesn’t have hands, and it can’t catch the money and use it.”

“I don’t think that Community Senate realizes that epic sweetness is not a core value,” said Assistant Professor of Religious Studies Eric Mortensen. “There is no flag for epic sweetness, and without a flag, it cannot be a value. They should focus on getting a flag first.” 

Despite these concerns, Community Senate is moving forward with the project.