* Please note this is part of the April Fools issue*
“One Keg Standitar, coming up,” said first-year Eric Chubb to a Greenleaf patron.
As he put together a concoction of espresso, steamed milk, caramel flavoring and vodka, Chubb explained the recent changes to the Greenleaf menu, which include various alcoholic brews.
“Maybe there are some issues with making it easier to get alcohol to Guilford students, but if there’s something wrong with a warm caramel latte and booze, then I don’t want to be right,” said Chubb.
The Keg Standitar, described as a drink to “wipe the Smirnoff your face,” is only one of the many new beverages added to Greenleaf’s offerings.
“For the theatre major, there is the lovely David Hammered,” said sophomore Greenleaf member Billy Millman. “Basically it’s decaf, Kahlua and Everclear. It’s dark, strong, and after a few, it is easier to work with other people. That’s pretty much all you need in theatre. Well, that and the emotional capacity to take criticism in acting classes.”
“We’ve also got the Frank Smashey,” he continued. “That’s lavender-flavored vodka, rosewater and club soda. It’s kind of a favorite among the more ambitious of the Quaker crowd.”
Fueled by the need for increased revenue, the controversial decision to welcome alcohol into the ‘Leaf was not taken lightly; but, as is custom for the co-op shop, it was come to via consensus.
Turns out, the consensus was overwhelmingly in favor.
“I wasn’t sure if everyone would be okay with having liquor in the Greenleaf, but once folks started firing off suggestions on snazzy drink recipes and names, everyone seemed to agree,” said senior Community Senate President and Greenleaf co-op member Yahya Alazrak.
“What it came down to was that we heard that students like to drink, so we put a drink in your drink, so you can drink while you drink coffee.”
Even President and Professor of Political Science Kent Chabotar has voiced support for the new menu.
“Caffeine, alcohol and Guilford College — it might seem strange to have those words in the same sentence,” said Chabotar. “Actually no, you would definitely hear those words in the same sentence. Carry on.”
Chubb said, “We don’t necessarily condone drinking alcohol, but the Greenleaf is an important part of our school. If we lose it just because some of us have issues with a PBR Cappuccino, we’d be sacrificing one of the things that makes our school great.”
Despite the Greenleaf consensus and administrative approval, some students find issue with the new Greenleaf brews.
“I’m not going to lie and say that I’ve never tried a Keg Standitar before, but it’s annoying walking into class and seeing everyone from seniors to Early College kids stumbling over themselves,” said sophomore Lily Ozer. “My classes are starting to look and smell like a weekend in Milner.”
Still, it seems that many professors and students of varying ages are taking pride — and shots — in our campus coffee and liquor shop.
More than ever, Guilford seems like a happy, fun-loving college that takes its studies as seriously as seriously as it takes its beverages.
“Really, I think that drinks like the Yahya Ontherocks help students build a stronger community,”said Millman. “Alcohol makes people loosen up, right? If more people are drinking, more people are loosening up, more people are willing to talk and make connections. Granted, it probably wasn’t a good idea to let Yahya make a drink — no one should put hot sauce in cake-flavored vodka — but it’s the community that is truly important.”
