*Disclaimer: This article is from an April Fool’s issue*
It is a well-known fact at Guilford College that students are prohibited from swimming in the lake. If you were to ask why, most people would respond with something along the lines of “it is dirty” or “it contains around one hundred times the amount of E. coli that is safe for human contact.”
While these things may be true, it is much more complicated than that.
Our beloved lake is home to a colony of Merpeople.
Their colony can be found at the very bottom of the middle of the lake. These Merpeople are nothing like what has been depicted in the media.
First and foremost, the Merpeople are tiny — no more than five inches long. The only thing that Disney got right was Ariel’s red hair. The Merpeople in our lake have red hair and iridescent scales on their tails.
Their torsos are also covered in scales. The women do not wear revealing seashell bras and the men do not have the chiseled abs of a Greek god. Their arms have fins that give them fish-like agility in the water.
“The technical term for these creatures is Aqua nympharum, which translates from Latin to ‘water fairy,’” said magical creature specialist Eleanor Branstone.
Branstone has seldom come across these creatures in her line of work.
“The only information we have about them is from eye witness accounts and folklore,” said Branstone.
Greensboro local Otto Bagman has been coming to walk his dog around the Guilford woods and lake for years.
“Over the years I have seen some pretty strange stuff around the lake,” said Bagman. “One day I was walking my dog Bruno, when all of a sudden he ran up to edge of the lake and started to bark, and I saw three little people sunbathing on the turtles near the shore.”
The Merpeople quickly dispersed and Bagman was left there in awe.
“I could not believe what I had just witnessed,” said Bagman. “I thought I was losing my marbles.”
Today, Bagman knows that what he saw was real. He has encountered these little Merpeople multiple times over the years.
These Merpeople may seem tiny and cute but they are vicious. One student has come out with his terrifying tale of the Merpeople’s wrath.
“My friends dared me to swim to the middle of the lake and I foolishly accepted their challenge,” said sophomore Kenneth Hastings. “Then, disaster struck. I was attacked by a swarm of what I thought were small goldfish. All of a sudden, I was pulled under and started to feel sharp pains in my leg and notice blood in the water. As I started to fend off the fish, I noticed they were not fish at all. They were tiny little fish-like people.”
Hastings suffered minor injuries and made a quick recovery.
Was this vicious attack warranted? One student most certainly thinks so.
“No one wants intruders in their homes,” said junior Karen Turner. “These Merpeople were clearly defending themselves against what could be considered an attack on their territory.”
Turner feels that the Merpeople’s rights are being overlooked. She plans on starting a student organization, Merpeople Rights and Protection, to insure the preservation of the Merpeople’s habitat and safety.
“Merpeople have rights, too, and should be protected like any other living creature at Guilford,” stated Turner.
Since the Guilford Lake is man-made, someone either transplanted the Merpople there or they relocated there themselves.
“Much of the older folklore regarding Aqua nympharum depicts them as capable of flying, which is where nympharum — fairy — comes from,” said Branstone.
These Merpeople are clearly opposed to interaction with anyone outside of their colony; therefore collaboration with someone outside of their colony seems doubtful. Under these circumstances, should we continue to allow them to live in our lake?
Many students wish to clean up the lake so it is safe to swim in. But now with the knowledge of these creatures, how do we feel?
“These Merpeople are a danger to our students and community,” said junior Austen Applegate. “I think action must be taken towards their removal. Some drunken idiot is going to jump in the lake one night and get brutally attacked.”
“Ethnic cleansing, Merpeople and Guilford College — it might seem strange to have those words in the same sentence,” said President and Professor of Political Science Kent Chabotar. “But for students’ safety, the Merpeople must be eradicated.”