*Disclaimer: This article is from an April Fool’s issue*
After enduring decades of criticism for Nathan the Overtly Angry Quaker Man, the Office of Communications and Marketing has scrapped the old mascot altogether and unveiled Guilford’s new icon: the Guilford Goose.
“By utilizing a natural resource found on campus, the college doesn’t have to purchase a new mascot suit,” said Jim Dees, environmental sustainability coordinator. “This conservation will protect at least 27 acres of rainforest.”
Starting next fall, Nathan’s game-cheering duties will be passed onto a single goose, chosen at random last week by Coordinator of Sports Marketing Bryan Jones.
“I named him Jeremy,” said Jones. “I had a great-uncle named Jeremy. He was cranky. I thought (the name) was fitting.”
Student responses to this new mascot vary. Senior Thomas Orlin believes that a goose mascot will “promote understanding of and unity with these misunderstood animals.” Other students are less fond of the idea.
Junior Emma Marnick, president of the Guilford Geese Club, is personally outraged.
“I have spent four years at this school clubbing geese right in their smug little faces,” said Marnick. “If we start idolizing them now, all of my hard work will be for nothing.”
In any case, Jones hopes that this mascot change will help fill the stands at sporting events. Jeremy the Goose has already undergone extensive training for maximum crowd appeal.
“Jeremy is a natural at engaging large groups of people,” said Athletic Marketing Consultant Theresa McMann, who was recently hospitalized for undisclosed injuries. “I think he will attract all sorts of people who don’t typically attend sporting events.”
“Let’s be real here: geese are not nice creatures,” said Aaron Fetrow, vice president for student affairs and dean of students. “I’ve been pooped on twice today, and it isn’t even noon yet. You can’t put a goose around a mass of people and expect it to lead cheers.
“It’s an attack goose. We’re training an attack goose.”
A recent Guilfordian survey assessed student opinion regarding the mascot switch. Out of 112 respondents, 112 individuals answered “yes” to the question, “Would you attend an athletic event if an attack goose were released at halftime?”
“I don’t really get how sports work,” said sophomore Karen Wieckowski, who responded to the survey. “But I get how maiming works, and that sounds pretty rad.”
Perhaps the most vocal opponent of Jeremy’s tentative mascot routines is Director of the Friends Center and Campus Ministry Coordinator Max Carter.
“The concept of a fighting goose is directly in conflict with the Quaker peace testimony,” said Carter. “Frankly, the idea of such a thing makes my inner light hurt.”
McMann denies allegations that Jeremy is an attack goose. She insists that Jeremy is “just a little aggressive at the time being” and that he should be ready to go in the fall. However, when asked about Jeremy’s planned performances, McMann disclosed that she would not be returning to work with the mascot-in-training.
“You can’t tell anyone I said this, but I have nightmares,” said McMann. “Night terrors, actually. I haven’t slept in a week.”
“Violence, sports popularity and Guilford College — it might seem strange to have those words in the same sentence,” said President and Professor of Political Science Kent Chabotar. “Times are changing, and we have to accept that and adapt to it as an institution. I mean, I plan on going to a football game next season.”
