Disclaimer: This story is a part of our April Fool’s edition, The Goofordian. This story was created by Guilfordian staff and is not based in fact.

Senior James Pumpernickel has big plans: change the world.

As an Environmental Studies and Peace and Conflict Studies double major at Guilford College, Pumpernickel thinks the world is messed up.

“The world is just so crazy right now,” said Pumpernickel. “I feel like no one else realizes just how screwed up the environment and our government are.”

Pumpernickel, however, has a plan; he’s going to change the world and make it better.

“I really think I can make a difference,” said Pumpernickel. “I’m already doing a lot of things in the community right now.”

Indeed, Pumpernickel spends his Saturday nights playing his acoustic guitar outside the Greenleaf singing about the woes of the world. In addition, Pumpernickel peacefully protests for the legalization of marijuana down at Starbucks on West Friendly Avenue.

“Every week, this guy comes down here,” said Starbucks manager Jim Bean. “He’s really changed my mind about marijuana, so I think it’s just a matter of time before it gets legalized. Thanks to him, of course.”

In addition, Pumpernickel is also serious about helping the environment and saving energy.

“I shower about once a month, have substituted brushing my teeth with Tic-Tacs, and travel everywhere I need to go on my longboard made out of tree bark,” said Pumpernickel. “Yeah, people complain about the smell from time to time, but it’s totally worth it.”

James Pumpernickel is a great student too.

“In class, our studies sometimes involve discussing the government and the role it plays in causing conflict,” said Assistant Professor and Chair of Peace and Conflict Studies Amal Khoury. “You can always count on James to try his best and never get discouraged by his grades.”

“James has a real passion for the environment,” said Professor of Geology and Earth Sciences Professor Marlene McCauley. “He gets very upset whenever we discuss degradation of the environment and the harm humans have done to it.”

Pumpernickel also discussed his plans after graduation.

“Huh, I’m not really sure honestly,” said Pumpernickel. “I think I’m going to get a job at some point, and then maybe move to Canada. The government here is corrupt so I don’t want to live here anymore.”

Having already renounced his United States citizenship, Pumpernickel is working to save up money to get to Canada.

“I really think it’s up to me to make a difference, no matter where I am,” said Pumpernickel. “I guess no one else has thought about these things before.”

While many may not believe in him, one woman backs him up every step of the way: his mother.

“I’m so happy with James,” said Mrs. Pumpernickel. “Despite his daily phone calls, or ‘sob sessions’ as I call them, he is such a strong individual. I know he’ll make me proud someday.”

In a world plagued by injustice, one hero stands above the rest, ready to start change, one complaint at a time.

“The time for change has come,” said Pumpernickel. “With my guitar by my side and weed in my back pocket.”

[photomosaic nggid=213]