Disclaimer: This story is a part of our April Fool’s edition, The Goofordian. This story was created by Guilfordian staff and is not based in fact.
Recently triple-tenured Assistant Professor of English Mylène Dressler captivates her students with her genuine enthusiasm for literature and her seemingly boundless energy.
However, her liveliness and beauty now have an explanation.
Dressler recently announced to numerous classes that she is, in fact, an immortal being — specifically, a fairy.
“My bounciness is not necessarily from my career as a dancer, and my immaculate skin is not just the result of good genes or wearing sunscreen,” Dressler said, waxing back her butterfly wings. “I’m actually a wood nymph.”
According to her memory, Dressler came into being near Mycenae, in what is now modern Greece.
“My mother is Titania, Queen of the Fairies,” said Dressler. “My dad, a satyr, ran out on us soon after I was born, and I’ve never met him. But, I grew very close to Mom.
“She’s said my father was Pan, but I think she just told me that to make me feel better.”
During her time in ancient Greece, Dressler discovered her love for language. She helped transcribe both “The Iliad” and “The Odyssey” for the blind Homer and also gave constructive criticism to Sappho for her poetry.
Over the millennia, Dressler had been known by many names — among them Gloriana, Tanaquill, Galadriel and Maybelline — but she apparently came into prominence thanks to Edmund Spenser’s epic poem, “The Faerie-Queen,” when she was characterized as Belphoebe.
“My adolescence was a crazy time,” Dressler laughed. “I fell in love with King Arthur’s squire, a mortal named Timias.”
Sadly, the romance did not last.
“He was gone all the time, off with his boss to find the Holy Grail or some other nonsense,” said Dressler.
“Oh yes, and then he died.”
While she relished the fame and recognition Spenser’s poem brought her, Dressler decided to shrink back from the limelight.
“I got mobbed in public, and letters poured in constantly,” Dressler said. “And when you’re dealing with people who barely comprehend the English language, it becomes pretty tedious.”
It wasn’t just fan mail which poured in, though. Dressler also got hate mail from the Church and its most pious supporters.
“For so long, I kept my identity secret because fairies have often been considered malicious or demonic figures,” said Dressler.
In her self-imposed exile, Dressler kept up with her devotion to language and writing.
“I try to be modest, but I’ve got to admit: over the couple thousand years I’ve been alive, I’ve written at least three hundred novels and I don’t know how many thousands of poems and short stories,” Dressler admitted.
“Honestly, I’ve probably lost more writing than I’ve written.”
In recent years, since people have become less wary of the supernatural, Dressler feels more comfortable with her identity.
“I felt the need to be honest to my students and colleagues,” Dressler said. “I could maintain that a fitness regimen keeps me energized or a certain lotion or creme makes me look so radiant, but I’m sick of the lie.
“I’m sorry, but I was born this awesome.”
The interview finished in her mind, Dressler flitted away on her fairy wings.
