Disclaimer: This story is a part of our April Fool’s edition, The Goofordian. This story was created by Guilfordian staff and is not based in fact.
It all happened so fast.
Earlier this week, a rehearsal speech to be given by Guilford College’s president, Jane Fernandes, was taking place in Dana Auditorium. Much of the First Year Committee who helped with Fernandes’ transition into the Guilford community this past year as well as the board of trustees were in attendance.
Then he appeared.
Midway through her speech, Fernandes paused and looked back to see Kanye West emerge from the side of the stage. “Yeezus” made his way towards the podium and faced the microphone towards himself.
“I’m happy for you Ms. Fernandes,” said West. “And imma (sic) let you finish, but I would make the greatest president of a small-scale liberal arts college of all time.”
In spite of the shock and dismay caused by the interruption, many board members’ eyes lit up at the thought of bringing in West as president.
“While he lacks experience in education, he makes up for it with his vision and goals for a functioning community,” said Vice President and Academic Dean Beth Rushing. “His mission runs parallel to what we want for our students.”
To add to his credentials, West holds an honorary doctorate degree in fine arts from the School of the Arts Institute of Chicago. SAIC awarded the degree to Dr. West for his “transformative, genre-defying work.”
“His presence will lead us to the prestigious status that we dream of for the college,” said Vice President of Enrollment Arlene Cash. “I believe that his name will draw in more and more applications.”
According to the board of trustees, West plans major reconstruction for the school. First, he is changing the names of all residential halls to names of European car manufacturers. For instance, he announced that Milner Hall will now be the Bugatti Building, and Binford Hall will be the Maserati Mansion.
West is also looking to make changes in the athletics department. “Proficient Swagging” will be declared an official club sport. The men’s and women’s basketball teams have been renamed as the Ball So Hard Squads. He will provide his signature Adidas Yeezy sneakers as team shoes for all members of the team.
All teams jerseys will be redesigned by Virgil Abloh, fashion designer and longtime friend of the Yeezus, with help from Adidas designer Yohji Yamamoto.
In addition, the rap mogul will carry out ideas from his communications company, DONDA (named after his late mother), into the Guilford community. He plans to refigure the organizational chart of the school to match his DONDA project. This includes implementing alternative energy sources such as tidal and wave power.
Speaking of tidal, the College’s radio station WQFS will only be available on the music streaming service TIDAL.
West will also be trademarking and patenting emoticon autocorrect and hovercraft technology. He plans on producing prototypes at Guilford.
The projected total cost for West’s plans is around $53 million. His spouse, Kim Kardashian, will use proceeds from her mobile apps Kimoji and Kim Kardashian: Hollywood to help finance the projects, but tuition costs will still be forced to rise as well.
Guilford expects student tuition will rise to about $75,000 a year. Although that may steer students away from the school, a scholarship fund will also open in Kanye’s son’s name. Each year, 25 lucky students will be awarded the Saint Kardashian West scholarship, which will cover full tuition costs.
Students applying for the scholarship must actually receive a recommendation from Kanye West himself and write a paper in which the students develop ways to take down Nike.
“He is looking to the future,” said Vice President for Student Affairs and Dean of Students Todd Clark. “Dr. West is not only looking to spread Guilford nationally but globally. The extremity of his goals exemplifies our dedication to challenging ourselves as an institution.”
The Guilfordian asked to speak with West. He denied doing an interview unless a mirror was present.
