Aries: Things are okay. Things are great! Things will never be bad! It’s literally impossible! As far as you know, anyway. As far as I know? Well, this is all for validation, not decision making.

Taurus: Take some time to look into a mirror. Take a good, long look. Do you see it now? Good. Wait, that’s just a smudge? Oh. I thought it was something more exciting than that. Clean your mirrors more often.

Gemini: Go for a swim. The cold doesn’t matter. You don’t feel cold. You are so warm. You might have a fever, actually, sorry. You should probably go to the doctor about that, or at least get some medicine. That’ll help. Tell your professors, too, if it’s too bad to go into class.

Cancer: Research something fun on Wikipedia. See where it takes you. You may learn something unforgettable, or unforgivable. For instance, you might learn about a historical tragedy that’s so inherently ridiculous that it’s hard to keep in mind that it’s sad, like the Boston Molasses Flood. Look that up.

Leo: Find a new book and make it your guide. Follow its lessons to the letter. You won’t be rewarded, but it might be fun for a week. After a week, it’ll probably be kind of boring, and your friends might start getting worried. If you go a month with it, though, then that’s just how you are now.

Virgo: Buy fancy gas the next time you need some. Keep it in a nice bottle and save it for special occasions. You’ll need it. That said, gas goes bad after about six months, so make sure you need it within that time frame. If it’s past six months, then you’ll just have a bottle of expired gas, which is pretty limited in its uses.

Libra: Go into the woods. Only return once you’ve seen something special. Even if you get hungry. Pack a lunch, though, just in case. Do you have a lunch box? No? My bad. I’ll come back with a more useful horoscope next week.

Scorpio: What’s your favorite color? What’s your least favorite color? What color do you feel neutral about? Figure it out already. These things aren’t important at all, but they’re good to have on hand for gifts and house renovations. Otherwise you might end up with things that you hate, and ugly rooms and/or furniture.

Sagittarius: Get really into crystals. Find a favorite one. Bedazzle your steering wheel. What could go wrong? Surely there’s no downside to putting a bunch of sharp objects on an airbag. There’s no way that’s actually a kind of explosive.

Capricorn: When’s the last time you flew a kite? Just wondering.

Aquarius: Take up a new hobby. Make taking your new hobby. Take whatever you want! It’s yours now. If someone asks you to give anything back, you can just tell them, “No, sorry, it’s mine now. The newspaper said so.” What newspaper? The Guilfordian, which publishes weekly at guilfordian.com, of course. 

Pisces: The stars are coming into alignment. The moon is moving to its final phase. Now’s the time to invest in commodities. Avoid other more volatile fields, however. Stay very far away from the tech industry. Don’t even think about touching agricultural stocks, either.