Disclaimer: This story is a part of out April Fool’s edition, The Goofordian. This story was created by Guilfordian Staff and is not based in fact.

In an attempt to save money, Guilford will now be paying faculty and staff members 25 percent of their paychecks in Grill Cash.

“When I first started teaching at Guilford, I never expected I’d end up with part of my paycheck paid in Grill Cash,” said Naadiya Hasan, associate professor of sociology and anthropology.

Some faculty and staff members are excited about this new form of compensation.

“It’s not so bad,” said Assistant Professor of Justice and Policy Studies Krista Craven. “This just means I don’t have to go to the grocery store as often. It saves time. And at least there’s sushi now.”

Other faculty members weren’t as happy about the new form of pay.

“This is stupid,” said Professor of Political Science Ken Gilmore. “I should be able to spend this money on my home or my car, not on burgers and fries.

Marla Lindsay, head women’s track and field and cross country coach, agreed with this sentiment. Lindsay has been eating only food from the Grill for three consecutive weeks.

“I’m sick of burgers and chicken fingers,” said Lindsay. “And I hate sushi.”

One logistical problem with the new system of Grill Cash paychecks is that the Grill staff is struggling to keep up with the increased demand. With lines stretching out the door, the average wait time for a meal has grown from about 10 minutes to 45.

“This is insane,” said one member of the Grill staff, who requested to go by the name Frank so as not to get in trouble for complaining. “There are so many people now. I’m so stressed I threw a hamburger at a kid when he complained his food was taking too long.”

Stress in the Grill is palpable as tensions mount daily. People pushing and shoving to get a good spot in line and yelling at Grill staff when they run out of food are becoming common occurrences.

“Someone grabbed my sushi out of my hands and started eating it because they got so hungry waiting for their food,” said senior Danya Mootasem.

The increased number of patrons is taking its toll on staff members.

“Things are crazy,” said another member of the Grill staff. “Who are we going to have to feed next, the little animals on campus?”

The overwhelming number of new patrons is causing stress on the food-preparation machines as well. The chicken fryer recently caught on fire after a particularly busy evening of nonstop chicken orders. When flames erupted from the machine, students gathered, pulling out their phones and clamoring for an opportunity to get a video of the fire and the staff desperately trying to put it out.

“It was crazy,” said sophomore Mateo Macias. “But I shot some great video. It got a thousand views on YouTube.”

In response to these recent developments, Guilford’s administration is considering allowing employees to spend their paycheck at the cafeteria in addition to the Grill. However, cafeteria staff were not pleased with this announcement.

“That won’t help,” said a cafeteria staff member who declined to give her name. “We’ll be overwhelmed, too. If they do that, we’re protesting,”

Her co-worker disagreed.

“If they do that, we’re not protesting, we’re revolting,” said the second dining hall staff member.

As stress in this situation deepens and the threat of staff revolt looms, The Guilfordian will be sure to stay on top of the issue.