Disclaimer: This story is a part of out April Fool’s edition, The Goofordian. This story was created by Guilfordian Staff and is not based in fact.

Guilford College surprises the country as the first to sweep the board and win all national titles in NCAA Division IV.

Division IV is a new division created by Guilford College in hopes to grant themselves publicity and recognition on the national level. There have been reports that suggest Guilford College is losing their student base to rival colleges, so Guilford College President Jane Fernandes and Interim Athletics Director Craig Eilbacher constituted a plan.

“It was simple,” said Eilbacher. “Everybody knows that students only come to college and universities for sports. It is an unspoken rule that if a student has athletic background, they have a higher chance in getting into any university they want.”

The plan, called Sports Acquire Terrific Individuals Regarding Education (SATIRE), is a four-year contract the student signs, agreeing to never transfer from Guilford College in return for publicity by winning without competition in their sport. Consequently, there is a flaw within this system that Guilford College swimming phenom senior Marty Flounder has found.

“They are keeping us hostage here,” said Flounder. “I do not feel that I am learning anything pertaining to my major and because of SATIRE, we are unable to transfer. Yea, the publicity is nice, but we do not play against anyone.”

Flounder has started an organization to combat Guilford College and SATIRE. However, he refused to comment on any information regarding the organization.

Sophomore Carrie S. Travelling is a transfer student from Ohio State University. She deciphered the contract information in SATIRE and knew what she was getting into. Unlike Flounder, Travelling wants the world to know how well she can play basketball, even if it means not playing against anybody.

“’SATIRE’ means nothing to me,” Travelling said. “All that matters to me is that the world knows I am the best at basketball. I remember in high school that I would always get called for some dumb rule called travelling. My coach told it would not be an issue when I got into college, but I got kicked off my team within my first week of practice.”

Travelling currently is the captain of the women’s basketball team, where she scores all the team’s points. She is known by her teammates for her strong isolation play and devoted commitment to scoring for the team.

Guilford College created a table tennis team after parting from Division III, grabbing the attention of celebrities and professionals around the world. One unexpected guest, Roger Federer, came to Guilford to coach the table tennis team.

“Coaching here is an incredible experience,” said Federer. “I get to help students cultivate their passion for table tennis and turn it into something meaningful. I remember meeting one student on my first day coaching and he did not know who I was.”

“After SATIRE, we got Roger Federer as our coach,” said senior Frank Topspin. “To this day, I do not know if I like his method of coaching. He yells a lot, telling us that we will never be as good as him. Funny thing is, I don’t even know if this guy was actually professional or not.”

The numbers of Guilford College students have risen since the creation of SATIRE, but so has the tendency to protest. Guilford officials are often able to subdue these protests, but only by the means of violence. Currently, officials are attempting to find alternative methods to end this.

“There needs to be another way,” said Public Safety Director Edith Harmony. “This wave of conflict needs to abstain from this College. The students will never understand what SATIRE is meant for and must stop fighting it.”

The tear between Guilford College officials and the students continues to grow as the campus remains known as lone Division IV Champions.