Disclaimer: This story is a part of out April Fool’s edition, The Goofordian. This story was created by Guilfordian Staff and is not based in fact.

It’s that time again. Presidential campaign ads have begun springing up on every channel, each one telling you the same old stories of how they are going to change the world, but there’s one candidate that’s different from all the rest: Peter Griffin. Today, I went to one of his rallies to see what this big guy is all about.

Peter Griffin swaggered out onto the stage, “Thotiana” by Blueface blaring in the background. His loving wife Lois even brought out their son, Stewie, and hurled his little body into the audience, each person in attendance tenderly kissing his football-shaped head. As Griffin stands on the stage, looking dashing in his black crushed velvet tracksuit with the words “Sexy Beast” bedazzled on the rear-end, we all stood at full attention and readied ourselves for what Mr. Griffin would say, completely unaware of the sheer power this man would exude through his eloquent words. Simply put, Peter Griffin had us all gagged, honey.

Griffin has been campaigning on the idea of equality for us all, even the Insane Clown Posse, and has been acknowledged as a progressive king, as he should be. Griffin and his running mate, Shaggy Rogers of the Scooby Doo Gang, have made it their personal goal to smite all the haters with Shaggy’s godlike abilities and Peter Griffin’s undeniable charisma. One of their signature plans is called “Operation Stop Hating on Sonic” where they plan on collecting all the coveted Chaos Emeralds so as to protect them from being snatched up by Dr. Robotnik, and instead allocating their immense power to Shaggy so he has the strength to push the Gay Agenda into full effect. Yep, that’s right. Peter Griffin and Shaggy Rogers love gay rights.

A key campaign promise of Griffin’s is that everyone’s chakras will reach total alignment so no fakes can offset your good vibes anymore, and will ensure that each household gets their own personal essential oil diffuser and a starter pack of oils. They also addressed topics of what to do about “fufu lames,” or people who lack serious swag, to which Griffin responded with “We’re sending ‘em all to Weenie Hut Jrs. where they belong.” The crowd went absolutely bonkers and their cheers could not be controlled. Other hot topics included “Goth Girlfriends and How to Get Them,” “What to do When Your Stupid Mom Takes Away Your Juul and You Lose Your Sense of Purpose” and “What Happened to Cowboy Culture.”

As you can see, Peter Griffin possesses a breadth of knowledge unknown to us mortals. If we have Griffin in office, he will only change this nation for the better. Even Lucky Luciano couldn’t do it to ‘em the way Peter Griffin does. We’ve all had to endure some great political strife, but Peter Griffin is the beacon of hope that we’ve needed. Peter Griffin, the man, the myth, the legend, left us with a single lingering thought: “Keep your head up, queen, your crown is falling.” That, my good friends, is exactly the type of energy we need going into 2020.