Disclaimer: This story is a part of out April Fool’s edition, The Goofordian. This story was created by Guilfordian Staff and is not based in fact.

Recently students may have noticed an increasing amount of squirrel activity on campus. As the spring season approaches, the squirrel population of Guilford has boomed and the newly arrived squirrels have grown increasingly bold over the past week.

Much like every other year, the influx of Spring Squirrels is likely to cause violent outbursts within the Guilford community. Last year’s migration saw acorn attacks rise by nearly 20 percent, and professors of biology predict it may get worse this year.

“This was a particularly warm winter, which means there were a lot of squirrels that have extra acorns stored up from hibernation.” said Professor of Biology Rod Ekorre. “Usually when this happens, the growing squirrel populations will hurl their leftovers to the ground, often hitting innocent people walking underneath.”

Indeed, the threat of squirrel-on-human violence looms ahead as both sides grow more tense.

“I have ten papers and four presentations due next week. I can’t afford to have those little rats throwing things at my head,” cried sophomore and squirrel studies major Chip Munk. “Something’s gotta be done, for our own well being.”

In an effort to keep members of the Guilford community safe, some students believe matters must be taken into their own hands and have grouped together in an effort to make their voices heard.

“Public Safety won’t come if I call about the squirrels,” said junior and sports studies major Chuck Wood. “We’re gonna have to do this ourselves.”

The local student resistance to squirrel-induced violence is still small in comparison to other clubs and organizations on campus, but the group is excited to do their part to help keep the campus safe. However, when asked whether or not their goal of ridding the community of violent squirrels is plausible, Ekorre was uncertain.

“It’s a noble cause, really, but it’s a tricky one,” Ekorre said. “With a warm winter and extra food, all kinds of squirrel populations will be booming this year. To exterminate them from your campus may prove to be too tough.”

In response to student efforts, the campus squirrels have also begun to organize themselves. Due to their large population, the squirrels have divided Guilford’s campus into sectors and assigned a group of squirrels to each sector. The squirrel in charge of overseeing all retaliation efforts, Caption Halftooth, has set up a makeshift office in the trees by the lake.

“Those kids clearly deserved it! We’re squirrels, we don’t fight unless we have to,” said Halftooth. “If your people keep attacking my brothers and sisters, well, maybe I’ll bring in the Flying Squirrel Force from Winston-Salem. We just want to be left alone. To scavenge your trash cans for thrown out fries and half-full bottles of soda. Is that too much to ask?”

With the threat of aerial raids and increased defensive violence, Guilford’s administration team now urges all students, faculty and staff to avoid squirrels, and will suspend any students sighted shooting at squirrels with toy weapons.