Disclaimer: This story is part of our April Fool’s edition, The Goofordian. This story was created by Guilfordian staff and is not based in fact.
On March 10, Guilford College’s ATM machine Joseph M. Bryan Jr. won the North Carolina lottery for $100 million.
Bryan Jr. continues to make it rain as he donated $50 million to Guilford, commanding them to spend it on new Early College dorms.
“The dorms will go up right after spring break,” said Bryan Jr. “Having the dorms will boost the retention of Early College students and help bring down the school deficit, just like with the fountain and the fence around the stadium.”
The board of trustees agreed with Bryan Jr.’s decision the night of the lottery win.
“Joseph called us and he was so excited, how could we say no?” said trustee Louis Simmons. “Anything that keeps me on the team, you know?”
On March 16, Early College students moved into the new dorms while traditional students were on spring break.
“Since Early College Students are exiled from most of campus and its activities, it’s quite nice they decided to lets us see what were missing out our windows,” said Early College sophomore Lizzy Sandberg. “But I can see the disappointment of traditional students, and their frowns definitely cements my decision to not attend Guilford for college.”
Many traditional students are livid about the new dorms.
“So like, they get a place to stay for free?” said junior Jamal Johnson. “That’s hilarious. While I’m paying off my loans until I’m 40, these kids will have their noses up the butts of full ride scholarships. Why do these midgets get special treatment?”
Early College students seem fine with the new option to stay on campus.
“It’s really convenient to get my weed whenever I need it,” said Early College senior Clark Calamine. “I used to always wait until after class. Now, I can pay with my parents’ money whenever.”
As weed prices decline, tensions over the new dorms continue to rise.
“I don’t know,” said Associate Vice President of Communications and Marketing Ty Buckner. “I mean, the board told me not to say anything.”
Traditional students plan to protest the opening of the new dorms outside its main lobby on April 5.
“I’m going to the protest,” said sophomore Kelly Sanchez. “I heard there would be free pizza. I don’t care about the dorms though. I live off campus, and those preteens do my math homework anyway.”
Traditional students are also worried about lots of Early College presence during Serendipity.
“Those little tykes could be a huge liability issue, bro,” said senior Trent Flannery. “I woke up mad hungover in a random dorm with my clothes on backwards. I don’t want to end up in some squirt’s dorm room when I’m just trying to black out, my dude.”
Public Safety has taken new precautions to keep Early College students safe.
“We’ll be on our new golf carts protecting the students inside and around the building during the protest,” said P-Safe officer David Gauldin.
“As we watch from afar sitting in our carts, hopefully no one will be hurt.”
Rachel Murray, senior and head organizer of the protest, reacted to Gauldin’s safety concerns.
“P-Safe shouldn’t be protecting Early College students, they should be protecting the administration,” said Murray. “This issue could get end in a non-Quakerly confrontation, if you know what I mean. I bet you Bryan is planning something with that other 50 million as well.”
Campus squirrel Fuzzy Fuzzleston reported Bryan Jr.’s plan for the rest of his lottery earnings is to construct a new underground night club scene for the Guilford squirrel community.
Trustee member Cherp Squeekers was caught on recent leaked film footage.
“As a representative of squirrels on campus, I’m excited to see that our militia was put at ease,” said Squeekers. “I persuaded Bryan Jr. without having to cause a coup.”
As many more issues are predicted to arise, the Guilford County Police Department is investigating Bryan Jr. for fraud.
Reports indicate he could possibly be 50 squirrels pretending to be human.
