Disclaimer: This story is a part of our April Fool’s edition, The Goofordian. This story was created by Guilfordian staff and is not based in fact.
Last week, the board of trustees met in secret to discuss something of allegedly dire importance to the future of Guilford: President Jane Fernandes’ style.
“It is really a matter of image,” said Vice President of Marketing Roger Degerman. “We have been working a lot with changing the way Guilford is marketed and perceived, but now it is time to do the same for our president.”
During the secret meeting, which The Guilfordian bugged, the board discussed a lot of issues, but perhaps most polarizing was the question of bangs — are they hot or not?
“Listen, if Jane gets bangs, I very well may resign,” said Board Chair Edward Winslow, who probably has no intention of doing so either way. “It’s just not right.”
Others, however, had very different opinions on the matter.
“Honestly, I feel like it will be impossible to grow as an institution if Jane’s bangs themselves are not allowed to grow,” said Degerman in response, eliciting both support and disappointed groans. “They look great, and this could be the type of radical change in image we’ve been looking for.”
The board also discussed possible wardrobe options, approving the creation of the Style and Wardrobe Planning and Transition Team.
SAWPATT will be given an uncapped budget and is charged with not only helping create a new standout look for Fernandes, but also helping her transition into it with ease.
“A new look is not just a change you can make overnight,” said Nancy Quaintance, board member and the appointed leader of SAWPATT. “It is a process, one which my team and I are excited to help Jane undergo. The work we are doing is of extreme importance, and I think the world is going to love the new Jane.”
In addition to SAWPATT, Fernandes will be assisted by several newly hired fashion consultants and stylists, which the board hopes will ensure a successful transformation.
“These people know their stuff,” said Winslow. “At first, I was a bit hesitant about using all of the money from the last capital campaign to hire them, but I think I speak for the rest of the board when I say they were worth it.”
As of now, we know very little about what exactly this new look entails. When asked about the specifics, Quaintance said, “I cannot give anything away right now other than that Jane is going to look fierce.
“Absolutely fierce.”
Some, however, have expressed confusion over these decisions, calling into question their very necessity.
“I really don’t really see what’s wrong with her style now. Am I missing something here?” asked one student, who was clearly missing something here. “It just does not make much sense to me is all I am saying. This is a joke, right?”
Fashion is no laughing matter, and, despite these concerns, the board seems very excited about Fernandes’ makeover.
“We are over the moon with excitement about Jane Fernandes’ new look and what it will do for Guilford,” said Winslow, who indeed seemed very excited. “Jane is already pretty much perfect, so these changes can only make her ever more perfect, not to say she is not already perfect, which she is.”
Jane could not be reached for comment.
