*Disclaimer: This article is from an April Fool’s issue*

Wouldn’t you just love to have been a fly on the wall at the last Board of Trustees meeting? A clothes-optional spa and resort’s offer to buy the land the board recently approved for sale was on the table for discussion.

My first question is, “What the …?” My second question is, “How exactly does that work?” And my third question: “Is anybody in charge here?”

According to Google maps, nudist colonies, resorts and beaches exist all over the world. While I understand nakedness in temperate climes, I can’t quite wrap my brain around the clothing-optional practice in chillier regions where nudes of the frozen or incredibly rugged variety might be found.

Although the early 2012 winter was basically a non-event here, winters in the N.C. piedmont can be unpredictable. Two winters ago, the lake froze over. A year ago, a considerable amount of snow fell.

That being said, you may be surprised to discover that uncovered enthusiasts frequent nearby Reidsville’s “Bar-S-Ranch.” Durham’s “Triangle Area Naturists” or “TAN” engage in nude house parties and beach trips — though hopefully not fishing trips.

But where does In the Buff Naturals think they are? Europe, Ojai in the 1960s? Woodstock?

While Bar-S-Ranch is located on a secluded former cattle ranch and TAN is a non-landed organization, moving around from place to place, we are right in the midst of a lot of stuff.

Will New Garden Friends School, Jefferson Elementary School, The American Hebrew Academy, Brighton Gardens Retirement Community, Friends Home, several houses of worship and a college be willing to support a nudist resort in the community?

This isn’t Black Mountain Arts School. Guilford, though deeply respectful of the arts, is not avant-garde enough to buy into parading around naked.

University of North Carolina School of the Arts in Winston-Salem? Maybe. Again, it is location, location, location. UNCSA is way too close to Winston-Salem’s Old Salem and Salem College to meet Moravian approval.

But here’s the real naked person in the room. This is the Bible Belt. As a culture-specific region, we can’t even be totally naked. We can’t even get a Trader Joe’s here; how are we going to get a nudist resort?

While I am personally clothes/no clothes neutral, I am seriously not interested in hearing the constant back and forth about it from, at the risk of being redundant, the political right and conservative religious groups. There, I said it.

Also, how do the Eastern Music Festival folks feel about a nudist resort on the doorstep of their musical youth camp? How about the soccer moms and the football families? Could be an interesting summer.

It would be different if those pesky little double standards weren’t already in play. If we could just all grow up and appreciate the simple beauty of the human body and teach our children that naked is natural and not nasty, life would be peachy.

Unfortunately, the fact remains that a nudist resort in our area is a long stretch mark from reality.