Disclaimer: This story is a part of our April Fool’s edition, The Goofordian. This story was created by Guilfordian staff and is not based in fact.

My dearest Guilford,

As you already know, this academic year will be my last with Guilford College. I’ve had some time to reflect, and before I depart, I wanted to write an open letter to the community to apologize for some of the decisions I have made during my time at Guilford.

First off, I’d like to apologize to the faculty and staff of Guilford. I had no right to ask you to work for so little while I earned an obscene amount of money and enjoyed my school-provided Lexus.

Furthermore, it was an insult to the intelligence of the workers of this school to try and come off as a president who prioritized faculty and staff salaries after years and years of neglecting salary raises. To try in my final year to “advocate” for greater faculty compensation was a painfully transparent ploy to come off as a president for whom salary equity was a priority.

Let’s be real. I was president for over a decade, not one year. I’m responsible for the good and bad that happened during that time, and for salaries to fall so far is absolutely a reflection of my priorities.

I’m also deeply sorry for pulling strings to build myself a new office in the Political Science department. I understand that, as a symbolic gesture, it is a slap in the face to the faculty of Guilford who have been told that there isn’t enough money to support their livelihoods.

But come on — I’ve worked way harder than everyone else at this school. At the very least, I’m 3.7 times more valuable than the average full professor at Guilford, hence my salary being 3.7 times higher than theirs. As such, I don’t think it’s unreasonable to have a nice office to come back to after my sabbatical.

Some might say that the fact that I’ll soon be teaching half the course load means that I should have half the office size or a reduced salary, but I’ll just start talking about capital expenditures, depreciation costs and some other budgetary mumbo-jumbo until you leave me alone.

I’d also like to apologize for making jokes about hookers being in the attic of my house. In no way is it acceptable for the leader of a prestigious academic institution to make offensive remarks condoning violence against women.

When I approved the APSA decision to not pay our staff members who lead the Understanding Racism workshops, I made a grave mistake. I should have recognized the value of the tremendously important and healing work of the Multicultural Education Department and found a way to pay them for the occasional weekend’s work. On the other hand, I really didn’t want to switch back to “regular” gasoline — that’s for the plebeians.

If I had attended one of the workshops, I would understand that all institutions within a country founded on white supremacy should critically examine how they function in order to work against the insidious nature of racism. My failure to do more than pay lip service to the Diversity Plan reinforces the cycle of progressive institutions making lofty claims to make themselves look good with no intention of following through.

Finally, I apologize for my neglectful and dismissive attitude toward student concerns. My consistently snarky and condescending tone when addressing the student body is simply unacceptable. Even though I underpay your professors, I know you are all competent students with thoughtful critiques of the way your educational institution functions. At some point, I forgot that it takes 12 full sticker-price students to pay my annual salary.

However, I adamantly refuse to apologize to The Guilfordian. They have slandered me time and time again, and while I am supposed to act my age, I can’t help but make snide comments whenever I get the chance. Then again, it’s just a school newspaper run by a bunch of 18-year-olds with no accountability or sense of personal responsibility ­— why should a thick-skinned adult let children get the better of him?