Disclaimer: This story is a part of our April Fool’s edition, The Goofordian. This story was created by Guilfordian staff and is not based in fact.
Concern arises over re-election
Crushing news came this morning. The smoke that had been mysteriously pouring out of Founders Basilica had changed from black to white. That was when the campus fell silent.
In a surprise announcement, President Kent Chabotar, through the smoke and fog, came out over the balcony outside of Founders.
Re-elected to an unprecedented second term, he would now be former future former College President Kent Chabotar.
While the courtyard was mainly empty, there was one disgruntled student outside of Founders with signs, one saying “Give up Kent for Lent.”
“I mean, you know that he picked out his own presidential council, right?” said the anonymous student. “Like, we know this; he didn’t even try to hide it from anybody.”
This rumor was backed up by another high-ranking Guilford member who refused to give a name.
“Those allegations are just preposterous,” Chabotar shouted angrily at the gathered reporters from around North Carolina.
He is certainly not creating very much hope for the future of Guilford.
This announcement of re-election has been abysmal to his approval ratings. In a random poll among students, Chabotar’s approval rating went down to nearly four percent now approving, two percent not approving, and 94 percent unaware of the fact that Guilford College had a president.
Chabotar has already started off his re-election with unsavory actions like killing off Nathan the Quaker Man and funding a new water feature in his name and honor, and he makes no measures to change the direction he is sending the college.
As a Guilfordian, I can only pray this is not indicative of the rest of his new term.
Yay! Chabby’s back, round two!
The entirety of Guilford College campus was on edge this morning. The presidential candidate was about to be announced. Most of the student and faculty had gathered outside of Founders.
“It’s been really stressful, you know?” said one student, claiming to be the head of a Kent Chabotar fan club. “We’ll never have another president like Kent.” A solemn tear dripped down the student’s face.
As the smoke pouring out of the Founders Gallery changed from black to white, parts of the crowd cheered while others wept. I, for one, was with the weepers — weeping tears of joy.
Banners rolled down over Founders Gallery’s front windows, with pictures of the Right Honorable President Kent Chabotar.
“Well, as you know, being the president of a college is hard work,” said Chabotar in an interview after the celebrating masses had parted.
Max Carter, pope of the Quaker faith, stood beside me, weeping softly.
“It’s really quite great,” said Carter, urging me to ignore the men behind him dressed in black suits. “Chabotar and I have been such great friends.
“What’s even better is that there will be so much money for the political science department.”
Chabotar’s first move was to remove Nathan the Quaker man, a long-outdated mascot, in favor of a more up-to-date icon: the Squirrel.
I agree wholeheartedly with this move. Apparently, so does the rest of the campus, with Chabotar’s approval rating skyrocketing to over 4 percent.
This is the highest his approval rating has been since last year’s publicity stunt to enroll as a student.
“That short month as a student gave me a new sense of energy,” Chabotar said. “I am back with new ideas, and we’re gonna make this the best campus ever.”
From all of us here at The Guilfordian, welcome back, Kent!
