Disclaimer: This story is a part of our April Fool’s edition, The Goofordian. This story was created by Guilfordian staff and is not based in fact.
The students of Guilford spoke, and the board of trustees finally listened.
“We need a new voice on our board,” one member of the board said. “Someone who will capture the essence of a Guilford student and represent the minds of our youth.”
Johnny Nottacop, a CCE sophomore and recent transfer student from Ohio, said he is more than open to hearing everything Guilford students have to say. As the newest addition to the board of trustees and the first-ever student member, he will undoubtedly do an incredible job at reaching out to the students.
“What’s going on at Guilford?” he asked at a recent Commnity Senate meeting, looking around expectantly. “What’s the haps? What are us kids talking about, huh?”
His curiosity and open-minded style will do wonders for the board of trustees who have recently come under fire for seeming distant and out-of-touch at the recent town hall meeting. Distance is not an issue for Nottacop, whose close-talking will literally force the board of trustees to look into the eyes of a true Guilford student.
“I just want to be one of you,” Nottacop said. “I’m a student like the rest of you. You can trust me.”
Trust we can. Nottacop has stunning credentials from his previous school, College University, where he was the president of the Honors Club and a straight-A student.
“But I’m not a square,” Nottacop said. “I’m just like you. I’m cool. I like to party.”
On the weekends, Nottacop said he always makes fun for himself.
“I love nothing more than curling up with a cup of hot tea and a Malcolm Gladwell book — uh, I mean, I love nothing more than just chilling out, you know, having fun and stuff. College things.”
The board of trustees is incredibly pleased with the decision, as they should be. Finally, they have proven how well they understand the experience of a Guilford student.
“Johnny is such a youthful, young guy, and we all think he is the ideal Guilford student,” said board of trustees Chair Joseph M. Bryan Jr. ‘60. “His constant references to youth culture and social media make us think he is just what we need to reach out to these kids here at Guilford.”
Still, student opinion on Nottacop seems to be mixed.
One anonymous student wearing hemp cargo pants and a dashiki said Nottacop “seemed suspicious,” while another student said he was “really friendly, but like, maybe too friendly?”
Student opinion aside, Nottacop is the best choice to represent the student body and will properly communicate the needs of a real student to the board.
“We get it,” Bryan said. “We know what college kids are like these days. We are not out of touch — just look at Johnny, he is without a doubt an excellent representation of a college student. We are very much in-touch with the youth.”
