Disclaimer: This story is a part of our April Fool’s edition, The Goofordian. This story was created by Guilfordian staff and is not based in fact.
The divide between athletes and non-athletes has finally been recognized by the administration, and everyone is talking about it.
“They put a line right through campus, through Founders,” said junior Sally Wright. “What the heck, Guilford?”
In spite of students like Wright who don’t understand what they’re talking about, this change is for the best.
“I’m literally banned from seeing my non-athlete friends,” said first-year soccer player Jeff Kicker. “They have work-study students on the non-athlete side working as guards to keep us away from each other.”
All the academic buildings, except for Dana Auditorium, are now on the non-athlete side, meaning athletes can focus on sports full-time.
“I mean, I like softball, but I’m here to learn,” said senior Rachel Swing.
Well, Kicker is wrong, obviously, because the administration knows what’s best.
“We wanted to let the students know that we hear them, and that we acknowledge the divide between student athletes and non-athletes,” said administrative person Harold Boss. “That’s why we decided we had to take drastic measures.”
English Hall, which is currently on the athlete side, will have to be moved, of course.
“Are you f—— kidding me?” said junior Anton Reed. “My roommate in English is an athlete, and they’re relocating the whole building and making him move out.
“This sounds like so much work for something so dumb.”
It is so much work, Reed, but it’s for a good cause: acknowledging the athlete/non-athlete divide.
In addition to moving English to the non-athlete side, the administration is also moving the softball field and tennis courts to the athlete side.
As for the Center for Continuing Education and Early College students, since they are on the non-athlete side of campus, they are banned from watching all sports.
“I mean, I used to watch football with my family, but now I’m afraid I’ll be expelled if I’m found out,” said Early College first-year Jessica Young.
As for club sports, no one is really sure what to do about those.
“They’re not real sports, so they can’t go on the athlete side,” said Boss. “But they’re too athletic for the non-athlete side. I don’t know, man, I just make decisions.”
Club sports aside for now, students should just get over themselves and allow this thing to happen.
“Students will soon learn that the literal on-campus divide is a good thing,” said Visiting Instructor of Sports Studies Andrea Witt. “They will soon come to accept the division and likely turn against each other, but that’s neither here nor there.”
