Disclaimer: This story is a part of our April Fool’s edition, The Goofordian. This story was created by Guilfordian staff and is not based in fact.
Caught by authorities once again, the Guilford College men’s soccer team has been soliciting prostitution off campus. Police were astonished to see student-athletes working the corner of West Friendly Avenue and College Road in broad daylight.
“Boys will be boys,” said head men’s soccer coach Jeff Bateson. “They don’t seem to have a problem scoring on and off the field, if you know what I mean.
“I can’t believe those crazy bastards,” said Mark Wleh, a senior soccer player at Greensboro College. “I knew Guilford was known for hippies and shit, but not for prostitution.”
The problem all began in January when the squad returned from J-Term. Since then, the team has been caught working the corner on at least four more occasions.
Guilford College President Kent Chabotar said that the recent incident did not bother him and that he regrets that they were caught off campus right by the school.
“I remember back when I was a young soccer star,” said Chabotar. “I got into some mischief myself.
If the team’s illegal matters continue, it could result in lawsuits and declining school funds, huge problems for Guilford.
“The school cannot afford the boys’ actions off campus,” said Chabotar. “If they are arrested again, parents or even government officials could sue us or withdraw funds and shut down the College.”
“Michael never comes on during breaks,” said senior Michael MacVane’s parents. “He always says he has to work overtime to pay off student loans.
“We had no idea he was selling his body.”
Guilford College has a strict policy on prostitution not leaving the campus. This case is especially upsetting because it is a repeat offense by the same sports team.
Luckily, the police released the law breaking nymphos back to their rightful pimps, Coach Bateson and Coach Peter Truitt.
“I really hope that the boys will learn,” said Truitt, “They’re a great group, but one more instance like this off campus and they could end up doing hard time.
“And if it happens again, I’m cutting their pay in half, and I will definitely lay hands on a few of them.”
According to APSA, Guilford does not have a rule against prostitution on campus. However, if the problem continues, there may be upcoming changes in campus policy.
“The boys clearly have a fucking problem,” said Athletic Director and head men’s basketball coach Tom Palombo. “No pun intended, but the boys need to stop leaving campus to do their dirty work.”
As of now, there is no threat to the school’s prostitution policy. If the policy does change however, the crew will be out of work.
“I can’t afford not to sell my body,” said junior soccer player Rob Sandidge. “If the policy changes because of a few bad decisions, I won’t be able to do the things I love.
“I really can’t see myself doing anything else for paychecks in this city.”
The men’s soccer team has agreed to keep their whoring to a minimum during the season, as long as coach Bateson lets them pick back up in the winter, according to another APSA report.
“I refuse to condone the guys’ prostitution off campus,” said Bateson. “If the boys win the league, I really don’t care how deep they get into their outside occupations.
“I told the boys to open up and try new things, I just never knew how deep they would take it.”
