Disclaimer: This story is a part of our April Fool’s edition, The Goofordian. This story was created by Guilfordian staff and is not based in fact.
“But I’m a Guilford College Quaker,” yelled senior women’s lacrosse player Becca Colley.
Since President and Professor of Political Science Kent Chabotar decided to remain president, he has also decided to make more APSA changes.
“My secret will be out as soon as I report my change to the mascot,” Chabotar explained. “But, I must do this for them.
“The new mascot, as of this upcoming fall semester, will now be called the Guilford College Dilapidated Squirrel!”
Chabotar has a secret hidden from all students and faculty.
“Ever since I was young, I’ve been an avid squirrel lover,” said Chabotar.
His two techniques of communication with squirrels are twerking and flicking his tongue. To respond, the squirrels shake their tails back at him.
Observing one of Guilford’s core values, equality, Chabotar is going to ask all students and faculty to treat the squirrels as equals.
The squirrels demand more of a presence on campus. They want to be appreciated for eating the trash around campus to keep Guilford clean.
Expect to see drastic changes to Guilford in less than a month. Another new APSA change states that all squirrels will take over the Old Apartments.
Various resident advisors from other dorms were forced to move into the Old Apartments.
“I just don’t like squirrels,” said junior Shelton Watson, a Milner RA.“I am worried they will smell and be too rowdy.”
“My main concern is having to write them up for drinking too much Hazelnut Smirnoff Vodka,” said sophomore Milner RA Stephanie Byer.
As for dining, the squirrels will now have their own section of the cafeteria.
Unfortunately, their section will replace the vegan station. Chabotar told Julie Elmore, the vegan station chef, to take charge of the squirrels’ diet.
Elmore will have to adjust her creativity for the squirrels’ dishes with imported artisanal nuts as the main ingredient.
“Don’t get me wrong, I love squirrels, but I feel bad for all the students and faculty that love my station,” Elmore said. “I am also quite worried I will not be able to come up with any good meals for those picky squirrels.”
“I cannot believe they are taking away my favorite section of the cafeteria,” said sophomore Chessy Quigley. “How will I live without Julie’s vegan stir-fry?”
The third APSA change calls for the removal of the Armfield Athletic Center for a mega- tree house.
“I’m stoked,” said Conker Squirrel. “Serendipity everyday.”
Chabotar plans to include climbing walls, mazes and a hot tub.
“If the students have a gym, the squirrels should have an equivalent,” Chabotar said.
First-year football player Martinus Crump said that he eats squirrel eggs for lunch.
“I am outraged as a student-athlete,” said Crump. “I don’t want to have to travel just to attend practice.
“And all for the squirrels? They are already a huge inconvenience; this is just adding to that.”
Though many Guilford College students are upset by these changes, Chabotar is quite titillated.
“I think it’ll be really nice to finally honor the squirrels the way they deserve,” said Chabotar. “Giving them the position as our mascot is the perfect way to do it.”
