Disclaimer: This story is a part of our April Fool’s edition, The Goofordian. This story was created by Guilfordian staff and is not based in fact.
“We will not stand for this,” said sophomore Jordan Smith of the Utimate Frisbee team. “Not only can I not attend classes anymore, all of the club sport playing fields have been taken over by the traditional athletes.”
Following the “Great Athlete/Non-athlete Chasm of 2016,” club sport athletes have now expressed their outrage. Although their games are not considered “real sports,” because they are not necessarily regulated as such, they are still “too athletic” to fit in with the non-athletes.
Because of this, club sport players were left without a place at Guilford.
“We talked to the administration about this … dilemma … and Jane (Fernandes) allocated some fields and a few academic buildings for club athletes,” said rugby player Emily Jones.
Duke Memorial Hall, King Hall and Haworth North/South and East/West Fields are now all under the control of club sport players. Non-athletes cannot take classes in those buildings, and traditional athletes may not use those fields.
“What do you mean I can’t enter King?” asked first-year Samantha Moore, as she was pushed off by the guards. “I am majoring in economics, I need this class for my degree.”
As of now, traditional athletes have the tastiest slice of the pie, keeping almost all of their playing fields and having to attend classes in Armfield Athletic Center. Club athletes can attend a few courses and some of them can keep playing their sports.
Non-athletes can continue taking the courses in every building except Duke and King. They will, however, have to attend courses in other colleges in the Greensboro area to satisfy the other requirements.
To combat the system, a few traditional and club athletes decided to fake their standing in attempt to take courses in restricted buildings, like Frank Family Science Center.
“I tried claiming I didn’t play a sport and used my friend’s Quaker Card to get my way past the guards in Frank,” said sophomore Quidditch player Jack Reynolds. “It worked for about a week.”
Some students have resorted to more questionable methods, like climbing different buildings to get into top floor windows.
“I’ve had to wake up at 5 a.m. for the past three days to creep by the guards and wait silently in the classroom,” said Early College junior George Ornell, who has been sneaking into Hege-Cox Hall.
Overall, the realization of the student-athlete divide does not seem to sit well with students, especially now that it is the student athlete/club athlete divide.
“This is the worst thing that has happened to Guilford,” said senior Jordan Smith. “I can’t talk to half of my friends, I have to take the bus to (North Carolina) A&T (University) every day and I can’t join the rugby team without severe academic consequences.”
The faculty, on the other hand, are much more enthusiastic about the recent changes.
“I never liked the sporty students in my classes, anyway,” said Professor of Art Jonathan Kennedy in a phone interview. “Now that they are gone from this side of campus, the quality of art in the class has shot up greatly.”
The administration has not commented on the situation, other than to say, “Let the games begin,” at the launch of the new rule.
