Spring has sprung, full of crocuses and pollen, and with it, so too has our anxiety. Luckily for us, we are down to the last two finalists for assistant director for student counseling and success, a position vital to the continued mental wellness of students. Both Greg Purloin and Helen Flinton have been interviewed by the hiring committee, and the decision is expected to come down from on high in the coming weeks.

There are marked differences between the two candidates. Flinton is a renowned counseling expert with many years of experience. Her tenure at centers famous for their international aid work counseling refugees is an inspiration.

Despite this, some have said Flinton is over-qualified, and her experience may stifle her ability to work on such a small campus. Purloin by comparison is a newcomer to the field who has yet to hold any counselor positions.

On his admittedly thin resume, Purloin has listed “business skills,” “strong leader” and “great hair.” The skills have no further description, and Purloin is bald. However, the hiring committee believes these skills are genuine and that his lack of references, in fact, indicates a level of confidence perfect for the position.

Flinton’s curriculum vitae is a lengthy read and has been dismissed by many due to its density.

Inside information from the committee suggests that Purloin is the favored candidate.

“Everyone likes him,” said an anonymous source, whose name happens to rhyme with Frodd Mark. “He is clearly unqualified, but he is really selling himself.”

This is despite the open forums the candidates attended where students were able to ask pointed and sometimes difficult questions. Purloin repeatedly dodged questions and deflected scrutiny away from himself. Repeatedly criticising Flinton with clearly false statements, Purloin was often vague and confusing when talking about himself and how he would benefit Guilford College.

“I am going to be the best assistant director,” said Purloin. “The best. All the other candidates use fake counseling. Sad.”

When asked how they felt about the forum, students had mixed feelings about Flinton.

“Honestly I’m not a huge fan of (Flinton),” said Apple Chancery, a junior. “She seems like she knows her stuff, but her delivery is so dry and over-practiced.”

Others had similarly diverse opinions about Purloin.

“Purloin seems like a conman,” said concerned first-year Isobel Calligraphica. “I so don’t trust him.”

There were some positive reviews of Purloin by students, however.

“We need this kind of change to shake up Guilford,” said senior Wellington Arial. “There are too many career administrators here.”

Purloin has made promises to “make Guilford great again” and bring his personal hero President Donald Trump to the next Bryan Series. If chosen, Purloin would have no control over the Bryan Series and its speakers given the relatively minor position the assistant director for student counseling and success holds.

Hopefully the hiring committee will make an informed, rational decision that is best for Guilford’s future, but many fear that the bluster Purloin brings will sway the committee.

“Does he have credentials?” said administration official Nikolaus Calibri. “No. Are we sure his degree is real? No. But he cares about people like me, and I like how that makes me feel. What could go wrong?”