To Whom It May Concern:

With the post-election environment on campus becoming increasingly anti-conservative and anti-Republican, I wanted to take this opportunity to explain my white, male, conservative feelings.

That’s right. I used the f-word. I have those things.

I’m actually a really great person.

I voted for Jeb Bush. I didn’t want the American Health Care Act either. I don’t want to build a wall. I think a Muslim ban is a terrible idea.

I don’t like Trump. He’s a disgrace to my party. I want back the Republican party I had before with our good, old-fashioned American values.

In an effort to build that Republican party back up, let me humanize myself and my fellow conservatives.

We like ice cream, apple pie, baseball and the Midwest just like everyone else does.

We fall in love. We grieve our lost loved ones.

We have to sing along to that catchy song on the radio that you don’t even like just like you do.

We too think the 1950s were basically perfect.

I believe in continuing my party’s long history of, at least marginally more quietly and subtly, putting down minorities.

We all know that moment when your human skin starts cracking and showing your true form to the world.

We know what it’s like to suddenly have your lizard body sneak past the human shell you’ve been using during a presentation or on a date.

We know the pain of having to scout out a new human body to possess.

And look, if we ever debate a political issue, I’ll be really polite and even look like I’m listening to what you’re saying while I’m planning what to say next to prove I wasn’t paying attention and also that I’m definitely right.

Next time you try to lump all of us conservatives together, remember that there are still some good ones left.

Sincerely,

Your friendly neighborhood conservative